Showing posts with label puppies riding rainbows. Show all posts
Showing posts with label puppies riding rainbows. Show all posts
Monday, June 8, 2015
I'm not sure how to start this post so I guess that means I should just jump right in, cannon ball style! I struggle with anger issues, I've honestly seen myself grow in a positive way in the last few years but I still have a hard time with it. What sparked this post, and I apologize if I'm coming off a bit ranty in my last few posts but these are things I need to get off my chest, was the community Oh No They Didn't and their reaction to an article on Tess Holliday. You can read the article and the comments through a quick google search, I don't want to link it because honestly, both the comments and the article came off as bias and rude. I don't know Tess Holliday personally, I've never met her, I follow her on pretty much every social networking site but I don't know her. She comes off to me as a strong, beautiful, passionate, and determined woman and has since I started following her around 2011/2012. I can relate to her in a lot of ways and have witnessed the vile comments and outrage her presence seems to bring out in people. I have also seen a rush of support and kindness from people in her posts but the vile comments are not a rarity either. As a larger person I have experienced some of those vile comments myself but nothing to the scale or consistency that she has. It is not easy to deal with all that negativity from people. I briefly scanned through the article so the implications of racism I don't recall so I will have to read it further.
I can relate to her story in many ways. I was bullied, as you probably know from reading my blog, really terribly throughout high school and it made me very angry, defensive, sad, and bitter. I also didn't have the most stable relationship with a step-parent who also made me feel very similarly. I was angry at the world, I was angry towards men (the main bullies in my life were male), and I was angry towards the people who witnessed it occurring and did nothing to help. It is not easy being surrounded by people constantly telling you and showing you "I don't like you", especially when you feel so deeply misunderstood by those people. How is someone supposed to approach someone who is being rude or mean to them? How is someone supposed to approach people who turn their back to you while people are trying to torture you? If you have not experienced this I don't know if you'd understand how awful it is. If you have not experienced this you don't know what it does to how you approach people and society. I have anxiety and get extremely nervous meeting almost anyone new. In the back of my mind I think they are going to see me and see a fat girl and automatically dislike me because of that reason alone. Sometimes in defense to this I try really hard to make them like me by cracking lots of jokes, sometimes I choose to just be quiet and withdrawn, and other times I can be sarcastic and standoffish. I admit on more than one occasion I have seen or expected someones reaction to me be negative and I responded with a snarl and a huge defensive wall and overly sarcastic remarks. It is a defensive mechanism and something I have administered sometimes without any regrets and other times have felt very badly about. I'm also a person who deals with chronic pain in my back, anxiety, and depression so my moods can be up and down. This is something I desperately am trying to work on and repair.
I think about the people who have been around me when I've been stressed out, sad, in a lot of pain, or having not the best of days and worry that they must think I'm someone I'm not. I am not awful. I am not miserable. I try really hard not to take my bad days or feelings out on people. However, I don't regret trying to stand up for myself when it is needed however I do regret being defensive without a real reason. People like to preach things like "you catch more flies with honey" but sometimes it can be really difficult when the moment you approach someone they are giving you the stink eye or radiating a bad vibe or a vibe like "get away from me".
I've grown with love from an amazing man and friends who are never cruel to me. I've grown from being in more supportive and kind environments but I continue to struggle with my past and we all have a past. Empathy is something I desperately try to have in my life at all times but I'm not perfect and I struggle sometimes. We all struggle. I try to live by the philosophy of "be kind, be empathetic, but take no shit and don't be afraid to speak up". I don't know if that is the best philosophy but I'm growing and learning all the time as people do. We have to be the change we want to be in the world. I don't know where I heard that quote but I know I heard it somewhere. My entire point is that things can be taken out of context, give people a chance, we all say and do things that we might not necessarily mean.
...Side note... when I make posts like this I always feel the need to post a rando picture of myself but I don't know why. Is that weird? I just feel like a lot of people skip text posts without at least one picture thrown in the mix? I don't know...
Friday, January 27, 2012
I'm not sure what I did to deserve this taunting from Modcloth but these dresses are gorgeous *pounds fist on table*! And out of my price range!.... My price range is clearance, dumpster dive finds, holding someone up with a butter finger disguised as a gun, etc. I do not have $175 (plus whatever shipping is) sitting around waiting to be applied to stunning dress purchases! So, I am going to ask again, what did I do to deserve such torture Modcloth? Wah. It is times like these that I wish I had a credit card so I could buy things I can't actually afford. I know no one is exactly climbing in the air ducts to seek advice from a lazybones like me but trust me, do not fuck up your credit. Just don't do it. When I was 18-19 I went nutso with credit cards and have regretted it ever since then, hence why I am credit card less now. Live and learn? Yeah, live and learn not to strangle your roommates because you can't get a place of your own. Roommates will drive you crazy over the tiniest of offenses, I'm completely convinced of this. Case in point, last night when I was making dinner, I had myself a very merry rant session and then had tears falling into my pasta all because of some comment about the trash. I even threw and kicked the empty pasta box *take that Barilla*. Oh hey Rachel, you got something showing, it's your crazy - might want to wash that off/go check a mirror.
I just started watching 'The Wire' and was really enjoying myself until beloved characters were getting "capped." I can't say capped with a straight face so I had to put it into quotations. It's not like the show bullet trained from puppies riding rainbows to gang violence, the show LITERALLY starts off with a murder, but I can't always gauge what is going to strike an emotional cord with me. Suffice to say tears were shed (more incidences of tears? geez...), it is a show full of tragedy, Baltimore is a rough city. I know the actual characters aren't real, however, I know that such things happen practically everyday in Baltimore. I'm from Baltimore, I lived in Arbutus (which is South West of Baltimore) until I was 7, and I watched the news every morning before school so I was/am aware of the cities problems. Don't get me wrong I partied in Baltimore with hardly a care in the world for years (moment to have flashbacks of shaking it) but now that I live in a place which has virtually no crime whatsoever, I realize just how bad Baltimore actually is. I'm kind of scared to go back, isn't that ludicrous? I always knew how the city was but now I'm scared of it, I wasn't scared at 18 when I was walking around in school girl outfits and such (not casual strolls mind you, it was to and from clubs/bars). Am I ridiculous or do other people get a little too emotionally involved in shows that represent true stories and places? SO because of all that, I've taken a hiatus from 'The Wire' watching because I'm just now getting over the Wallace incident. That and one of my roommates locked themselves out this morning and was knocking on the back door and I literally woke up my boyfriend to get the door. I didn't know who it was, it was dark, and I know what happened in 'The Wire'! Tap, tap, tap.
WALLLLACE, he was just a boy! Between this show and 'Game of Thrones', just ugh, I'm too sensitivo for this whole TV drama watching business.
My boyfriend and I start our vacation in 16 days, roughly only two weeks away, and I still don't know what outfits to pack! Holy frankfurter (how does this frankfurter become a holy creature, is it elected or...?), I need to get on that. But I did find a few new things that I'm determined to decorate my body with whilst on this vacation, well and one thing that is too warm for Florida. I found a really simple black dress that will be good to wear or use as a cover up and it was only $2 mo-f'in dollars! I finally decided to give in and admit that I've always wanted a pair of red heart shaped glasses (Cliche? Check. DGAF? CHECK!) and found a pair for only $5 on ebay. While we were shopping for cat necessities during the week (speaking of cats look at Mr. Hero, what a cutie, d'aww) I found this great pink heart print top, it is a pajama top but throw a tank top under it and no one everrrr has to know - well, besides you guys of course *shifts eyes*. I love using Valentines Day to quench my uber-girlie need for bright colors and heart prints! Go-Go-
In the interest of saving money we've been eating almost every meal at home and I made this really delicious rice dish - if you follow me on Twitter you might already know about it - but it was rice with lemon, basil, parmesan cheese, little butter, lots of garlic, and golden raisins! It was sooo good. I replicated the dish a few days ago adding onion and chicken, and still quite a keeper. Vegesaurus's, look away! Pretend the last picture never happened! The last meal I had to share because I'm American and it is my duty to share my meat and potato eatin'. That or I just really like steak, cheese, and potatoes. The last one rings more true.
Target delivered on the awesome promise once again. My boyfriend was not pleased ("how many coats does one girl need?" But it has ruffles and pockets!) that I found a black coat in the clearance section, yet again while shopping for necessities, it was originally $72.99 marked down to $21! It ties at the waist, ruffles at the bottom, and has pockets (I have two coats that don't have pockets and it drives me mad, how you make coat without pocket!). I'm so glad it came home with me, it is a bit too big but I like my coats with some extra square footage. Apologies for the bad pictures and the cat hair, my closet is jam packed so if I hung up my coats I'm pretty sure the bar would collapse (again) or snap in half...
Well, I'm hoping to get packed a few days before we leave and I was thinking of sharing tips for vacation packing for the plus sized gal, but that is only if I can actually successfully manage the whole thing. I wish these two cuties could come with, they look rather guilty of something... better go punish them with kisses.
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