I'm not sure how to start this post so I guess that means I should just jump right in, cannon ball style! I struggle with anger issues, I've honestly seen myself grow in a positive way in the last few years but I still have a hard time with it. What sparked this post, and I apologize if I'm coming off a bit ranty in my last few posts but these are things I need to get off my chest, was the community Oh No They Didn't and their reaction to an article on Tess Holliday. You can read the article and the comments through a quick google search, I don't want to link it because honestly, both the comments and the article came off as bias and rude. I don't know Tess Holliday personally, I've never met her, I follow her on pretty much every social networking site but I don't know her. She comes off to me as a strong, beautiful, passionate, and determined woman and has since I started following her around 2011/2012. I can relate to her in a lot of ways and have witnessed the vile comments and outrage her presence seems to bring out in people. I have also seen a rush of support and kindness from people in her posts but the vile comments are not a rarity either. As a larger person I have experienced some of those vile comments myself but nothing to the scale or consistency that she has. It is not easy to deal with all that negativity from people. I briefly scanned through the article so the implications of racism I don't recall so I will have to read it further.

I can relate to her story in many ways. I was bullied, as you probably know from reading my blog, really terribly throughout high school and it made me very angry, defensive, sad, and bitter. I also didn't have the most stable relationship with a step-parent who also made me feel very similarly. I was angry at the world, I was angry towards men (the main bullies in my life were male), and I was angry towards the people who witnessed it occurring and did nothing to help. It is not easy being surrounded by people constantly telling you and showing you "I don't like you", especially when you feel so deeply misunderstood by those people. How is someone supposed to approach someone who is being rude or mean to them? How is someone supposed to approach people who turn their back to you while people are trying to torture you? If you have not experienced this I don't know if you'd understand how awful it is. If you have not experienced this you don't know what it does to how you approach people and society. I have anxiety and get extremely nervous meeting almost anyone new. In the back of my mind I think they are going to see me and see a fat girl and automatically dislike me because of that reason alone. Sometimes in defense to this I try really hard to make them like me by cracking lots of jokes, sometimes I choose to just be quiet and withdrawn, and other times I can be sarcastic and standoffish. I admit on more than one occasion I have seen or expected someones reaction to me be negative and I responded with a snarl and a huge defensive wall and overly sarcastic remarks. It is a defensive mechanism and something I have administered sometimes without any regrets and other times have felt very badly about. I'm also a person who deals with chronic pain in my back, anxiety, and depression so my moods can be up and down. This is something I desperately am trying to work on and repair. 

I think about the people who have been around me when I've been stressed out, sad, in a lot of pain, or having not the best of days and worry that they must think I'm someone I'm not. I am not awful. I am not miserable. I try really hard not to take my bad days or feelings out on people. However, I don't regret trying to stand up for myself when it is needed however I do regret being defensive without a real reason. People like to preach things like "you catch more flies with honey" but sometimes it can be really difficult when the moment you approach someone they are giving you the stink eye or radiating a bad vibe or a vibe like "get away from me".

I've grown with love from an amazing man and friends who are never cruel to me. I've grown from being in more supportive and kind environments but I continue to struggle with my past and we all have a past. Empathy is something I desperately try to have in my life at all times but I'm not perfect and I struggle sometimes. We all struggle. I try to live by the philosophy of "be kind, be empathetic, but take no shit and don't be afraid to speak up". I don't know if that is the best philosophy but I'm growing and learning all the time as people do. We have to be the change we want to be in the world. I don't know where I heard that quote but I know I heard it somewhere. My entire point is that things can be taken out of context, give people a chance, we all say and do things that we might not necessarily mean.

...Side note... when I make posts like this I always feel the need to post a rando picture of myself but I don't know why. Is that weird? I just feel like a lot of people skip text posts without at least one picture thrown in the mix? I don't know...

Hello everyone, I want to apologize for my almost May long delay from my "regularly scheduled" blog posts (which may be a relief to some) but I've been really lazy and posting things I had saved for a rainy day. There have been quite a few rainy days the last few weeks - weather and mood wise for moi. I try super hard not to make posts like these but I usually tend to feel better after I do share them so bring on the (hopeful) catharsis.

I've been having quite a hard time the last few weeks, depression is something I'm use to but it doesn't tend to last this long. I do seem to get stressed out after my birthday because it always seems to be a trying time of year and I admittedly am a bit freaked out about getting older and not having any sort of life plan. I've been on the search for a job but it is not going well, it seems like the majority of applying online leads nowhere (or just an increase in the oddities that fill a spam folder) but there doesn't seem to be quite any other way to find a proper office job. I'm not going to give up looking but it is hard, I feel like I'm always waiting by the phone/email screen for some positive news. Money is obviously tight with only one income, tighter because I tend to overspend when I'm feeling morose and even if I wasn't feeling morose, neither my fiance nor I are very good with managing our finances...  but my biggest stress has been my living situation, which has been an on-going issue because I don't really get along with my one roommate and he recently quit his job and is now always home. When I get down like this I tend to need my alone time to think, relax, and be with my thoughts and it's hard to have that when you're sharing a house with three other people, even harder when you don't get along with one of them. There is always noise, mess, disorganization, rotting food, someone running water when you decide to take a shower, someone sitting on the couch when you have to walk by to get to the kitchen (this really sucks when your hair is a mess and you don't feel like putting on a bra), etc. The area we live in so outrageously priced - it's a miracle to find a 1 br/1 ba for under $1200 a month minus utilities and HOAs - that finding a place of our own is damn near impossible, so the only real option is to wait it out, move out of the area, move back in with my mom (who runs a daycare out of her home), or move into another shared home. I feel like I can't take another day here, let alone another few months - I've already lived here for 3 years and been pretty uncomfortable the entire time. This just doesn't seem to be the place for me, I haven't had much luck in any of my endeavors here. I don't want to be rich, I just don't want to be struggling every week to feed ourselves and keep a roof (or in this case, noisy ass roommates) over our head. I know this is a struggle felt by many and I know I could have it much worse than I do, trust me, I have that thought constantly but it doesn't make any of this easier. I feel like a cloud has moved (um *knock, knock*... Mr. Cloud, the rent? It's due) into my head, my speech and thoughts are blurred and I have a hard time even remembering how to spell simple words - even though I am typically a good speller, my grammar on the other hand has always been shit.

On top of all that crap I've been feeling really negative about myself, I'm always my own worst critic but lately I just feel so insecure, like 13 year old with acne and increasing cup size insecure. I feel like I'm the size of a small country and I feel like I hear very few positive words from anyone - exception of my fiance. I hate feeling like I have to be happy-go-lucky all the time when inside I'm a mess but I hate venting to my friends so I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I'm afraid to be negative because I'm afraid it will make people not want to be around me. I feel very lost and uncertain and I feel like I've become a prisoner of my own mind/emotions. Today has been the most positive day I've had in weeks so hopefully I'm digging myself out of the trenches. Apathy still seems to be the act on the main stage but hopefully I'll be able to throw enough stuff (positive shit, y'all) at ol' Apathy to get her off.

I know this is not the most fun post to stumble into so if you're reading this, thank you for listening to me! If you're new to my blog (oh hay), please don't judge me based on this post alone - I'm usually very cheerful.

On a more (more? let me use ctrl+f to find the other positive moments in this post) positive note, I've been watching Roseanne lately and I totally forgot just how bloody (yes, I'm using more and more British terms lately) brilliant the show is. Oh, and Eddie Izzard, he has shined some fierce sunshine rays into my life as well. I sincerely hope everyone has a fabulous Memorial day, Summer is fast approaching my dearies - heat... yuck. Go see some fireworks, speaking of ... I hope to see some fireworks myself, shiny things make everything better.