Hello everyone, I want to apologize for my almost May long delay from my "regularly scheduled" blog posts (which may be a relief to some) but I've been really lazy and posting things I had saved for a rainy day. There have been quite a few rainy days the last few weeks - weather and mood wise for moi. I try super hard not to make posts like these but I usually tend to feel better after I do share them so bring on the (hopeful) catharsis.

I've been having quite a hard time the last few weeks, depression is something I'm use to but it doesn't tend to last this long. I do seem to get stressed out after my birthday because it always seems to be a trying time of year and I admittedly am a bit freaked out about getting older and not having any sort of life plan. I've been on the search for a job but it is not going well, it seems like the majority of applying online leads nowhere (or just an increase in the oddities that fill a spam folder) but there doesn't seem to be quite any other way to find a proper office job. I'm not going to give up looking but it is hard, I feel like I'm always waiting by the phone/email screen for some positive news. Money is obviously tight with only one income, tighter because I tend to overspend when I'm feeling morose and even if I wasn't feeling morose, neither my fiance nor I are very good with managing our finances...  but my biggest stress has been my living situation, which has been an on-going issue because I don't really get along with my one roommate and he recently quit his job and is now always home. When I get down like this I tend to need my alone time to think, relax, and be with my thoughts and it's hard to have that when you're sharing a house with three other people, even harder when you don't get along with one of them. There is always noise, mess, disorganization, rotting food, someone running water when you decide to take a shower, someone sitting on the couch when you have to walk by to get to the kitchen (this really sucks when your hair is a mess and you don't feel like putting on a bra), etc. The area we live in so outrageously priced - it's a miracle to find a 1 br/1 ba for under $1200 a month minus utilities and HOAs - that finding a place of our own is damn near impossible, so the only real option is to wait it out, move out of the area, move back in with my mom (who runs a daycare out of her home), or move into another shared home. I feel like I can't take another day here, let alone another few months - I've already lived here for 3 years and been pretty uncomfortable the entire time. This just doesn't seem to be the place for me, I haven't had much luck in any of my endeavors here. I don't want to be rich, I just don't want to be struggling every week to feed ourselves and keep a roof (or in this case, noisy ass roommates) over our head. I know this is a struggle felt by many and I know I could have it much worse than I do, trust me, I have that thought constantly but it doesn't make any of this easier. I feel like a cloud has moved (um *knock, knock*... Mr. Cloud, the rent? It's due) into my head, my speech and thoughts are blurred and I have a hard time even remembering how to spell simple words - even though I am typically a good speller, my grammar on the other hand has always been shit.

On top of all that crap I've been feeling really negative about myself, I'm always my own worst critic but lately I just feel so insecure, like 13 year old with acne and increasing cup size insecure. I feel like I'm the size of a small country and I feel like I hear very few positive words from anyone - exception of my fiance. I hate feeling like I have to be happy-go-lucky all the time when inside I'm a mess but I hate venting to my friends so I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I'm afraid to be negative because I'm afraid it will make people not want to be around me. I feel very lost and uncertain and I feel like I've become a prisoner of my own mind/emotions. Today has been the most positive day I've had in weeks so hopefully I'm digging myself out of the trenches. Apathy still seems to be the act on the main stage but hopefully I'll be able to throw enough stuff (positive shit, y'all) at ol' Apathy to get her off.

I know this is not the most fun post to stumble into so if you're reading this, thank you for listening to me! If you're new to my blog (oh hay), please don't judge me based on this post alone - I'm usually very cheerful.

On a more (more? let me use ctrl+f to find the other positive moments in this post) positive note, I've been watching Roseanne lately and I totally forgot just how bloody (yes, I'm using more and more British terms lately) brilliant the show is. Oh, and Eddie Izzard, he has shined some fierce sunshine rays into my life as well. I sincerely hope everyone has a fabulous Memorial day, Summer is fast approaching my dearies - heat... yuck. Go see some fireworks, speaking of ... I hope to see some fireworks myself, shiny things make everything better.