Friday, May 25, 2012
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| Vintage Gal |
Hello everyone, I want to apologize for my almost May long delay from my "regularly scheduled" blog posts (which may be a relief to some) but I've been really lazy and posting things I had saved for a rainy day. There have been quite a few rainy days the last few weeks - weather and mood wise for moi. I try super hard not to make posts like these but I usually tend to feel better after I do share them so bring on the (hopeful) catharsis.
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| Midnight Code |
I've been having quite a hard time the last few weeks, depression is something I'm use to but it doesn't tend to last this long. I do seem to get stressed out after my birthday because it always seems to be a trying time of year and I admittedly am a bit freaked out about getting older and not having any sort of life plan. I've been on the search for a job but it is not going well, it seems like the majority of applying online leads nowhere (or just an increase in the oddities that fill a spam folder) but there doesn't seem to be quite any other way to find a proper office job. I'm not going to give up looking but it is hard, I feel like I'm always waiting by the phone/email screen for some positive news. Money is obviously tight with only one income, tighter because I tend to overspend when I'm feeling morose and even if I wasn't feeling morose, neither my fiance nor I are very good with managing our finances... but my biggest stress has been my living situation, which has been an on-going issue because I don't really get along with my one roommate and he recently quit his job and is now always home. When I get down like this I tend to need my alone time to think, relax, and be with my thoughts and it's hard to have that when you're sharing a house with three other people, even harder when you don't get along with one of them. There is always noise, mess, disorganization, rotting food, someone running water when you decide to take a shower, someone sitting on the couch when you have to walk by to get to the kitchen (this really sucks when your hair is a mess and you don't feel like putting on a bra), etc. The area we live in so outrageously priced - it's a miracle to find a 1 br/1 ba for under $1200 a month minus utilities and HOAs - that finding a place of our own is damn near impossible, so the only real option is to wait it out, move out of the area, move back in with my mom (who runs a daycare out of her home), or move into another shared home. I feel like I can't take another day here, let alone another few months - I've already lived here for 3 years and been pretty uncomfortable the entire time. This just doesn't seem to be the place for me, I haven't had much luck in any of my endeavors here. I don't want to be rich, I just don't want to be struggling every week to feed ourselves and keep a roof (or in this case, noisy ass roommates) over our head. I know this is a struggle felt by many and I know I could have it much worse than I do, trust me, I have that thought constantly but it doesn't make any of this easier. I feel like a cloud has moved (um *knock, knock*... Mr. Cloud, the rent? It's due) into my head, my speech and thoughts are blurred and I have a hard time even remembering how to spell simple words - even though I am typically a good speller, my grammar on the other hand has always been shit.
On top of all that crap I've been feeling really negative about myself, I'm always my own worst critic but lately I just feel so insecure, like 13 year old with acne and increasing cup size insecure. I feel like I'm the size of a small country and I feel like I hear very few positive words from anyone - exception of my fiance. I hate feeling like I have to be happy-go-lucky all the time when inside I'm a mess but I hate venting to my friends so I feel like I have no one to talk to about it. I'm afraid to be negative because I'm afraid it will make people not want to be around me. I feel very lost and uncertain and I feel like I've become a prisoner of my own mind/emotions. Today has been the most positive day I've had in weeks so hopefully I'm digging myself out of the trenches. Apathy still seems to be the act on the main stage but hopefully I'll be able to throw enough stuff (positive shit, y'all) at ol' Apathy to get her off.
I know this is not the most fun post to stumble into so if you're reading this, thank you for listening to me! If you're new to my blog (oh hay), please don't judge me based on this post alone - I'm usually very cheerful.
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| Gas Attendant |
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| Sophisticated-cat |
On a more (more? let me use ctrl+f to find the other positive moments in this post) positive note, I've been watching Roseanne lately and I totally forgot just how bloody (yes, I'm using more and more British terms lately) brilliant the show is. Oh, and Eddie Izzard, he has shined some fierce sunshine rays into my life as well. I sincerely hope everyone has a fabulous Memorial day, Summer is fast approaching my dearies - heat... yuck. Go see some fireworks, speaking of ... I hope to see some fireworks myself, shiny things make everything better.
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11 comments :
I am really, really sorry that things have been so rough lately. I empathize because my life has pretty much fallen apart over the last few months with my lack of an academic and being too over-qualified for most other things and getting booted out of the US in a month and going home to indefinite employment. So all I can offer by way of advice is the following:
1. Sometimes things suck ass but the situation is always changing and in flux and nothing stays the same forever so weather the shitty times and wait for the positive things that are sure to come
2. You are never, ever alone in feeling shitty and bad - ever. Don't let it isolate you and come rant and rave to me via email whenever you want - we can bemoan shit together
3. You never have any reason to be insecure about yourself. You are you and that's special and beautiful and unique to only you and you should celebrate that! Seriously, celebrate that shit!
There. Sorry for the length (and the profanity).
Courtney
Sorry that should be "lack of an academic job" and "indefinite unemployment."
Thank you so much for your kind words! I'm sorry to hear that things have been rough for you as well, I sincerely hope things take a turn for both of us. I wish feeling depressed didn't feel so lonely because I always know I'm not alone in it, I know many people go through it and not only that but I know times are tough for a lot of people. It's so sweet of you to offer up listening to me via email, I'd love to be email buddies with you. I'm going to try to celebrate that shit and no apologies needed for length or profanity, I hold back my curse words constantly in the blogosphere (I tend to have a bit of a potty mouth).
<3Rachel
here is my email addy: honeysuckelle gmail
Hugs Hugs Hugs. I am sorry to hear that you've been down in the dumps, but if it helps, I totally understand where you're coming from. I have been, for the past six months, unhappily underemployed. I know I should be grateful that I have a job,especially in this economy, but I worked my ass off in grad school, and I really want to be doing something more challenging or at least in my field. But beggars can't be choosers, right? Sigh.
I know it's tough, but you gotta find a way to keep positive! Venting on the blog is a very good way of dealing with it, but you should engage in something that will keep you busy. To keep me sane, I've been posting more on my blog and also making crafts that I sell in my shop :) It will all get better soon, you just gotta keep smiling!
♥ laura
Thank you so much, I can't get over how sweet you and Courtney have been in my comments here. Underemployed certainly sucks and I can totally see where you are coming, when you work your butt off you hope to get rewarded/get what you deserve for all your hard work and I feel that it will happen one day for you. I do need some more hobbies, I've been trying to think of a craft I think I would be good at. Thank you so much for your kind and supportive words, I really hope the perfect job/opportunity presents itself to you soon.
<3Rachel
Hey lady! I am so sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. I am in the same situation on the job front. I am convinced that the online job posts are all created to steal your info and send you spam :-/ I hope you work out your living situation one way or another so you don't feel trapped any more. That is so tough. It is so hard living with rude room mates. Vent on your blog all you want and need. I hate telling others about my problems too for the same reasons, but it is good to get it off your chest.
I read a beautiful piece today reposted on a friends blog that really helped give me hope and inspiration - http://www.yaledailynews.com/news/2012/may/27/keegan-opposite-loneliness/?cross-campus
It is a bit off topic, but basically we are still so young and have so much time left for new adventures and happiness. There is hope and things will get better. We are all insecure with ourselves and our faults - but that is ok, we are never alone in feeling that even though it may feel that way. Hopefully the piece can make you smile at the very least. And I hope your rainy days drift away soon :]
Thank you, I'm doing much better and I'm very touched by your kind words. I feel like I know hardly anyone that is either at the job they want or having much success finding a proper job. I feel the exact same way about applying online, I always get really nervous sharing my info and I hate not knowing where my resume could end up. I really hope my living situation changes soon, my fiance and I have had a few discussions about changes in that arena. Rude roommates are the worse. I always feel apprehensive to vent on my blog but I have felt better since I did. Thank you for reading and understanding!
That is a beautiful piece, so sad to hear of someone dying at such a young age and in such a way. I know that things can change and do change quite quickly, and that down the road I will most likely look back and think "geez, I got that mad over a flippin toaster!". It is still raining a lot here but I'm feeling mostly sunny.
<3Rachel
I'm sad to hear you have been down lately. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts! I understand what you mean about negative house vibes, I've lived with a couple of people I didn't get along with and it ruins the whole happiness of coming home. It makes it so much harder to relax 'in your own space' when it's not a great place to be. And rent prices- OMG, I got scream for days.
I hope things start to look better on the job front soon. It's extremely frustrating feeling like there are no opportunities out there. We were so poor once- Ben seriously considered getting a paper route! We were lucky he scored a job as a waiter- all this while having a degree in software engineering! Gargh!
And you know you can always vent with us. Lots of love xx
I'm feeling a lot better since this post but thank you so much, you are so sweet. Ugh, I'm so glad other people know what I'm going through because I spend a lot of time worrying that I'm just being "mean" but my one roommate drives me absolutely insane and I feel like I can't escape him or his annoying habits. This house definitely doesn't feel like home and that sucks, rent prices are ridiculous! I feel that jobs should pay more fairly in correlation with the area the job is in.
I hope a job presents itself sooner rather than later, I admit that I do need to try a little harder. I had a paper route at one time, it wasn't too bad but the hours sucked. My boyfriend makes decent money but everything is so expensive that it hardly feelings like it. Software engineering? Wow, smart man you have on your hands. Thank you so much for being so sweet and understanding.
<3Rachel
Sorry about the housing situation. Move to Louisiana and you can find places for freakin cheap. Sorry you've been feeling so down and crappy. I can definitely relate. We should get together and eat some ice cream. The last couple of weeks I've just been forcing myself to sleep so I don't have to be awake bc I hated being awake so much. That's sad to admit, but I had to force myself out of that. Now, I just want to drink more. That may be even more sad. Either way, I hope things get better for you soon!
My boyfriend and I are seriously contemplating a move to somewhere cheaper, most likely Florida but we're not sure yet. It's a bit scary, I've never lived anywhere but Maryland and Virginia. Thank you, I'm so sorry to hear that you have not been feeling the greatest either and I wish we could get together and eat ice cream! I sleep a lot when I'm feeling down too, it just feels like when I'm sleeping I'm not worried, stressed, or bored so I can totally relate. In the past I also drank when I was feeling sad, especially when I was younger and having boy problems, I always noticed that when I drank when I was sad it made me do some stupid things and get involved with the wrong people. However, you're young and living it up a little is not a bad thing at all! Things are improving here and I sincerely hope they get better for you. Thank you so much for your sweet words!
<3Rachel
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Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I read and respond to every comment left for me and could not be more grateful to have anyone want to read my lil' crazy blog. I truly appreciate it, thank you and hope you will continue to read and comment.