As most of you know, I have been blogging for awhile and have never posted an OOTD of the day picture. I've come close once but this time I'm going to take the leap and try it. It's still not a full body shot, baby steps!!, but it is a huge step for me. Despite following almost exclusively all fashion bloggers I felt too shy and scared to take the leap to sharing pictures of my body but I'm sick of being scared. My weight has always been a sore spot for me but honestly I'm not ashamed anymore.

I'm fat, not the fattest I've ever been (that was a bit ago, have lost 25.3lbs since then) and I've been smaller too (at my smallest I wore a size 10/12). I have cellulite, acne scars, very large boobs, a tummy, large arms, and very pale skin but I think I'm beautiful. I'm far from my ideal but if I stay this size for the rest of my life it won't be the worst thing in the world. Life is too short to hate yourself and to be harsh to other people. I joke a lot (defense mechanism on top of a genuine love of laughter and a want to make other people laugh) but I try not to be insulting to people. 

I have been all sizes of average, chubby, and fat and people will judge you no matter what size you are so fuck it, love yourself. Be around people who don't hurt you and who don't make you feel shitty about yourself. Never stop improving and don't be afraid to speak up when someone says something hurtful to you. I will never be a size 4 and I honestly don't want to be, I don't think there is a single thing in the world wrong with being a size 4 but I do think it is wrong to tell other people what their body should and should not look like! 

I have been counting my calories for a total of 532 days and I rarely overeat (do I sometimes? yes. We all do. Food is good). I feel pretty good when I exercise and want to do it more often but I don't feel like I deserve to not be treated fairly because I'm not thin, or don't always eat what people think I should, or active enough according to society. I'm human, I'm fat, and I'm fucking beautiful. If you don't agree, that is your opinion and I don't want it. I don't need it. I just had a full physical and I could use some improvements but overall I'm in good health so don't even start on that.

I was a size 14/16 all throughout high school and I was a mess, I had my insecure days and my days of confidence. People told me sometimes that I was fat/big/ugly and sometimes that I was attractive. I was desperate for validation, I wanted love so badly and I let people mistreat me over and over again because I thought I couldn't do any better. People also do and say things without thinking sometimes, people don't always intend to be hurtful but you shouldn't ever feel like you deserve it. Take no shit but be nice whenever possible. That is what I try to live by. Ideally I would like to be a size 14/16 again, a size 10/12 would be my dream size but I'm not certain I want to do all the work to get to that size (I'm just being honest).

Here is my OOTD (not the greatest photo but be patient with me) even though I was just playing dress up, I'm actually in my pajamas.

Current guilty pleasure: Biting my fingers while I'm on the computer. It seems I have an oral fixation, I have little bruises on my pinkie and thumb from biting them. Does anyone else do this? I feel like such a weirdo.

Current nail color: Pink sparkly! Yes, it is a minor miracle that I'm wearing pink nail polish. I can't remember the brand.



Current playlist:  Aesthetic Perfection - The Siren / Alice Cooper - No More Mr. Nice Guy / Agnoize - Sexual Violation / Morphine - Honey White / Morphine - I Had my Chance / Morphine - Murder for the Money



Current drink: Nada, I bought some mint though so think of making mint tea or mint water.




Current food: Sweet Breakfast Quinoa(something like this I'm thinking for breakfast)

Current Favorite TV Show: I haven't really been watching much TV since GoT and Mad Men's seasons were up.

Current wish list: New Look Victoriana Blouse (Both colors) / Patent Lips Clutch / Modcloth Roadside Attraction Dress / Torrid Twist Tee in Black Space Dye / Modcloth Clear your Head Shaker Set / Elomi Caitlyn Bra in Multiple Colors / Haribo Super Mix / Magnetic Spice Rack / Lego Monster Sets (ALL) / Lego Galaxy Squad (ALL) / Lego Chima



Last Purchases: Thrift Finds: Steve Madden Black Patent Leather Mary Jane Heels / Black Leather(ish) Purse / Black and White Skirt // Not pictured, arm full of books. // Torrid Open Front Caridgan (IT SPARKLES) / Torrid Daisy Overlay Cami - it is finally mine! / Torrid Peplum Black Mesh Top (couldn't find it on website)

Current needs: Breakfast and water

Current triumphs: I've lost another 2.6 lbs. 16 lbs total thus far! Woohoo.

Current bane of my existence: Sunday. Sundays are my Mondays and me hate them.


Current indulgence: I've been going a little gummi crazy the last few days and I can't get enough of these!

Current blessing: Monkey. Halo. Hero. Cooperating body. Our lovely house.

Current outfit: Yesterday will have to do since I'm in my pajamas: Torrid Daisy Overlay Cami, Forever 21 + Black Jeans, Black Cardigan, Black chain necklace, engagement ring, favorite Target earrings, electric blue belt from Target, and favorite flip flops.

Current excitement: Food. I'm hungry.

Current mood: Hungry! Haha.

Current link: Dyatlov Pass Incident. It's just interesting and bizarre.

Sunglasses - Hot Topic / Bracelet - Michaels / Plates and Bowl - Target

Bowl - Target / Sunglasses - Hot Topic / Cocktail Shaker - Homegoods / Bracelet - Michaels

Green and blue striped t-shirt - Target / Blue cheetah print top - Torrid

My "Circus Dress".

Red and Black clutch - Vintage / Belt - Forever 21 Plus

COMICS!

5 // Mossimo Cropped Cardigan from Target, yet again this is a substitute cardigan, the one I found it is a bit different so I recommend another incident of rushing to store with credit card in tow. The one I got is a royal blue color.

Hello again, I'm going to attempt to stay focused enough to do a proper part dos off my last entry, but knowing me that may be a bit difficult especially since I'm feeling a bit somber today. I hope everyone is having a fun and safe Labor Day weekend. Friday night my boyfriend and I were on the road and I could not help but comment "Has everyone gone crazy?" because so many people were driving so erratically. Not only that but we must have seen 20 cops either parked off the side of the road, pulling over someone, or driving around - it was nuts. Labor Day, I did not know you were so wild? I don't generally walk on the wild side for any Summer holidays, I don't know, I guess its because I'm not a Summertime kind of gal.

I spot a few lighter strands...

 So before I get side-tracked by more pressing issues, onto my new hair, I decided to go with a dark red that was named something like "Black Cherry" which sounded exactly up my alley. To cut costs I convinced my boyfriend to dye it for me since I am not very good at doing it myself and it went pretty smoothly. He is such a sweetie for doing it for me and I think he did a good job.


I was a little surprised by the ultimate color but it was a pleasant surprise, it is dark like I wanted and under the light has a tint of dark violet which you may be able to tell. I'm pleased with it, although I'm not really jazzed about my extremely light eyebrows paired with my dark hair, I admit, I don't pay much attention to grooming my eyebrows because they are so light but with the darker hair they almost look nonexistent. I've had a hard time getting a picture of me I actually like but I figured I'd share a picture or two. What do you guys think of my hair? What about my light eyebrow issue? While I was visiting my family yesterday my step-dad made a funny comment about how my hair is a different color every time I visit. I guess that is actually true, hmm, didn't notice.

I'm not sure if anyone else is a Torrid addict such as myself, I've been a fan of Torrid since I was 19 and several sizes smaller, I like that Torrid has cutesie stuff for the plus sized gal and I very regularly check their website for new products (I also liked that they had a store not too far from where I lived at the time). I'm not sure who the model is, but this look they have on the main page of the website, WOW,  she is killing it! I've never actually worn a Torrid Halloween costume and I could not even begin to walk in those boots but after this picture I was really tempted to buy this costume myself. I love the hot Minnie Mouse costume as well.

To stay on the Torrid subject, I went shopping yesterday with my Mom, little sister Becky, and Becky's friend Ashley. I stopped by the Torrid store in Annapolis and found a pair of pants and a pair of underwear for $22.00! Yay for clearance and labor day sales. I do have to mention that I tried on a few other things and the sizing was a bit all over the place; I had some pants I could not fit into, some tops that were very oversized, and a romper that I had to keep going down in sizes. I'm not sure if that is just because of my wonky figure or what? I did almost cry in the dressing room after not being able to fit into two pair of pants I tried on, trying on pants always gets me a little nervous because I literally have pants that range in between 4 different sizes. It doesn't help that I've been feeling a bit down on myself already, especially about my figure and it was a bit disheartening to have things not fit. Not to mention, my boyfriend helped me measure myself for a bra and I was bigger in that department that I would have liked too.

I've just been feeling very unattractive lately and been having a bit of a cry now and then about it, I've always struggled with my weight/looks but I am currently the biggest I've ever been and it can be hard. I have no issue with being plus sized, my ultimate goal would be to remain plus sized but not quite this big. I know if I want a change I have to take the actions to change it and that is something I'm working on. Suffice to say, my self esteem has not been the best lately and I've been feeling very fat and ugly :(. I want to get around to posting outfit of the day posts but I'm a bit shy and insecure about it still, to be honest I have a hard enough time posting pictures of my face since I have ongoing issues with my skin.

Anyway I apologize for my little rant there and I'm swiftly going to change subjects now...


 My boyfriend and I saw the 'Fright Night' remake last weekend and I have to say, I have not left the theater feeling so jazzed in awhile. Colin Farrell played the perfect vampire with a great combination of creepy charm and David Tennant was hysterical. I've read some mixed reviews of the movie but I really enjoyed myself, it definitely was reminiscent of the silly horror movies of the 80's that I have such affection for. We also saw 'Conan the Barbarian' which I enjoyed, especially the shots of Jason Momoa's backside (I can't help it, he has a pretty epic bootay). We saw 'Conan' at a new theater near here in Leesburg that features these D-Box seats which basically move with the action, kind of like a ride at an amusement park. We didn't actually see the movie in the "D-Box Experience" but we did sit in the seats they have for you to sample what the D-Box is like and it was very cool. I'm not sure if it is really worth the $22.00 per ticket that they are charging, that price is comparable to what they charge for Amusement Park admissions, which is a bit ridiculous however it was an experience. Even from our regular seats we could feel some residual action from the D-Box area.



We also tried this restaurant called Vapianos and had some pretty good tomato soup and pasta. I'm going to copy and paste a more accurate description of the restaurant from their website:


Vapiano is a fast casual restaurant with a twist - customers use a "chip card" to personally order their food or drinks from the bar or from the individual fresh pizza, pasta or salad stations.

We had a good time and the food was pretty good, the only thing that I would change was the extremely loud and horrible radio music but that is something I've grown to expect from most public places. 




Onto the news I've been holding out on, my mom invited me to go with my little sisters and her to New York City later this month to celebrate my little sisters birthdays (which are only 3 days apart). I could not be more excited, I love New York City! We have plans to visit Central Park, eat, sample bakeries galore, see Times Square (I've been to NYC two times and never been to Times Square), explore, and shop. I am so excited and already have a gaggle of places I hope to visit while I'm there. We are only going for the weekend but still, I could not be more excited. The picture at the top and the three above are actually pictures I took during a day trip to NYC in 2009.



In anticipation for the trip which is a mere 19 days away now, *squeal*, I have done a little shopping for the trip. I think I'm going to wear the new pair of pants I got from torrid but I'm not sure what to pair them with? I'm hoping it will be very Autumn like (clear) weather while we are there.

Anyway onto the loot: I got two pair of sunglasses from Target (which as you can see were a very good price. My boyfriend hates the white pair), some lipstick from Sephora (Lip Attitude Star), a red top from Target, Hello Kitty and various printed socks, and something I was in desperate need for - some comfortable shoes. I'm a bit of a flip flop addict (yes I know, it is something I really need to stop) and there is no way I was going to walk around for two days in flip flops - it would be way too hard on my feet. Even walking around the mall in my croc (so stylish...) flip flops makes my feet and back ache like no tomorrow. However, I don't really like wearing tennis shoes because I find them ugly and hard to pair with outfits but I did really need to find a pair for such occasions. I'm a little lost what exactly to wear whilst I'm there... but I want to be as comfortable as possible. Stylish but comfortable, anyone have any tips? Anywho yes I choose men's tennis shoes because really, what is the difference? Also they were super comfortable, not my style really, but comfortable.

I'm sorry this is entry has been so scattered but my mind is not all there. One of my best friends is having a bit of a rough time right now and that is weighing heavy on my mind, I wish there was more I could do, and I'm just hoping for the best possible outcome.


I leave you with a picture of my Halo, it is impossible not to be cheered up by that little face, and a great remade song they played during the end credits of 'Fright Night'.