I figured I'd try something new, see how it goes. 

TV Shows
1. Modern Family 
My husband and I just started watching this and it is really funny. 

2. Mad Men 
I'm sad it's almost over but excited for it to come back.


3. Peaky Blinders
Admittedly I haven't watched much of this yet but I'm liking what I've seen and that opening theme is so cool.

4. Face Off

5. The Walking Dead
 It's been a roller coaster and I've been skipping episodes because I can't handle the sadness.



Purchases
1. Eye scarves from ebay. Of course I wore this that one night and spilled meatball on it... I also got this same scarf in a yellow but it came with an odd scent? So weird right...


2. Bettie Page Heels. I hope to crikey these are comfortable or else. 



3. Black and White Dress bought off Zulily. Can't wait for this one to come!


4. Woven Bowl bought at Costco, made by http://www.allacrossafrica.org.

5. Encyclopedia of Animals (bought at McKays).

Food

Only two but it's what I'm craving constantly.


And Easter Basket Cakes by Little Debbie. I blame my husband, he bought them randomly and I got addicted. Obviously I've been having a tough time sticking to my calorie limits with two such wholesome food addictions :\

Songs

1. Slug - Trust
2. Black No 1 - Type O Negative
3. Five Seconds - Twin Shadow
4. The Tinderbox (of a heart) - Cocteau Twins
5. In the Gold Dust Rush - Cocteau Twins

Sites
1. Zulily (duh)
2. The Sims Resource (I've been playing The Sims 3 a lot as of late)
3. Apartment Therapy (always)
4. Mars Attacks Kreepsville 666
5. 10 Abandoned Buildings in Virginia 

Wishlist

1. Lush bubble bar 
2. Lush bath bombs
3. Bathtub caddy

Clearly I'm into baths lately.

4. New laptop and new gps.
5. Florence and the Machine Concert Tickets!

Last Watched Movies

1. It Follows
I'm sort of on the fence about the movie, need to see it again to make a clear decision. 

2. Wolf of Wall Street
It's a bit ridiculous how many times I've watched it in the past few weeks considering how long the movie is.

3. Tammy 
"Muscle shirts are for muscles"

4. Jinx (The Robert Durst Docu)
How nutso is that dude?

5. *The Book of Life
I haven't watched this yet despite buying it weeks ago, this is more so a reminder to watch this!

Plans
1. VEGAS!
2. San Diego!
Did you know you can only see the snow leopards at the San Diego Zoo if you buy a $100 pass (per person) so :( I probably won't get to see some snow leopards.

3. Birthday 

4. Hair? 
I want to change up my hair a bit but I'm not sure how. I like the length (although I need a trim) but I want something a little different but not too different. Any suggestions?

5. Concerts!

Since my last entry I have been up to good things, after my birthday I decided to start a new lifestyle change that includes exercise and eating right but I probably need to start from the beginning. In September I went to a Doctor's office I use to go to before I I moved and the Doctor totally ignored the problem I was there for (that had nothing to do with my weight, by the way) and lectured me about my weight gain. I knew I had gained weight but I had no clue it was 75lbs, I never weighed myself. 75lbs in 4 1/2 years. She had a reason to speak up but she was really rude about it, she made me feel like I walked in the office with the plague. I cried when I got home for a long while. I was so unhappy and uncomfortable in my last living situation that I never wanted to use the kitchen so I ate a lot of crap and tried to make myself as invisible as possible by not making very much noise. Even still I had no idea that I gained 75 lbs and I wasn't small to begin with. I was really embarrassed that I had let myself get that out of shape. It didn't help me feel more comfortable after my one roommate that I didn't get along with told me how fat I was after asking for me dating advice. Honestly my reaction was "thanks for the continuous feelings of welcome, fuck face".I knew I had gained weight and was sensitive about it, I was afraid my fiance would leave me because of my size. I was shy about hanging out with friends who I know would notice my weight gain.

Around October I moved and started eating more healthy but not super consistently, using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I was eating.  It didn't feel like it was working so I stopped using it for a few months around February but then around my Birthday I saw pictures of myself at my birthday party and knew I had to get off my ass. The next day I just decided to cut back on soda (my kryptonite), start working out regularly, keep track of what I eat, and allow myself one cheat day. I honestly don't know where the motivation came from or what came over me (I just hope I don't stop), It's partially determination to prove to myself that I can do it. It has only been six weeks since I've officially started this whole journey but 6 weeks is incredible for me.
I am trying to learn to quit letting the things people have said and done to me in the past throw me into a state of depression and bad choices. I am trying to stop giving them any power over how I feel about myself. I've had family members say I was lazy and a quitter. I've had my weight in the past, that wasn't even that substantial, be treated as more serious than a learning disability. I've struggled with wondering why my siblings all get to be naturally thin and I have to account for every morsel that enters my mouth. I've struggled with wondering why I feel like I am punished because I don't like to play sports for fun. How annoying it is to feel like I have to wear leggings and cardigans with everything to cover my body, even when I'm sweating my ass off in 100 degree weather and feeling super miserable. I've had random children tell me I was fat, friends comment on how bad my cellulite was, and when I was dating have guys tell me they'd date me/I'd be perfect if I was thin.

I honestly see myself as having a pretty decent amount of self esteem, I know I am not everyone's cup of tea but I also know I am a damn good cup of tea. Most of the time I think "fuck em' if they don't like who I am, I will find someone who does" but it still stings. I know I'll never be a size 0 and I honestly don't want to be because it would be impossible, I can't change what my natural body type is. I'm not petite, I'm 5'9" and when I was a size 10 my hip bones protruded, even then people told me I was fat. It is still difficult feeling like I am rejected for being overweight or that I'm not good enough because of my weight or that I was allowed to be a punching bag because I was larger. I tend to turn to food for comfort and affection that I didn't get in my life. Luckily, my life is so different now, my fiance and friends are so amazing to me. I know my fiance loves me regardless of my size but it is really hard to cancel out all the negative feedback I've received in my life. I'd love to love my body completely.


I've struggled with my weight in one capacity or other my entire life, I honestly remember being uncomfortable in a Halloween costume when I was a little girl (6 or 7 years old) and I was a pretty thin child. But around the time when I was 10 years old (I think I was about 9 or 10 in this picture of me as a kid) I started gaining weight and growing breasteses and my friends started treating me differently. I don't know if I was acting differently because I was more insecure or if they were shying away from me because I was gaining weight or what. Around the time when I was 12 years old my friends completely shunned me and I had no friends for a good year, it was a lonely year and I turned to food and video games (inactivity) for comfort. I formed some pretty bad habits and I'm just now trying to change them.

On my Birthday when my fiance officially asked me to be his future bride when I was crying I also kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to marry me because I honestly lived so much of my life feeling like I would never be enough, that I'd never be good enough. When I turned to see everyone was staring at me I explained to them that I honestly thought that this day would never come because I thought no one would ever want to marry me with my skin that is scarred from having acne as a teenager, my light eyelashes and eyebrows, my jiggly arms and thighs. In the first picture (top picture), taken about two weeks ago, it is a huge deal that part of my upper arm is showing. I have lived with my fiance for 5 years now and he still has barely seen my arms, that is how insecure I am about them.

What am I doing to get in shape? Using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I eat and how much I exercise. I can't stress how much of a help myfitnesspal has been, I recommend it to anyone, not just those who are looking to lose weight. I used all sorts of "pay" diet plans in the past and they never worked for me and in turn I felt more depressed because I had wasted money and time.

I bought a water bottle and a Brita water pitcher that has been a huge help, I feel like my body is slowly starting to get accustomed to drinking the 6-8 glasses of water. I was having to run to the water closet every 30 minutes but I finally seem to be getting use to it. I've cut back on soda, allowing myself one a day IF I want it but I'm trying to get to the point where I only drink it on special occasions (last week I think I had 3 total).  I buy lots of frozen vegetables and fruit, obviously fresh is better but it is hard to eat it all before it goes bad. Buy the big bags of apples, oranges, lemons (for flavoring water and meals), and whatever else you like. One of my favorite snacks is a cut up apple (I swear it tastes better cut up) with a tablespoon of biscoff spread, it tastes like an apple tart. Buy lots of nuts (hehe, nuts. I will never ever grow up): my favorites are whole and sliced almonds, pine nuts, and walnuts. Buy salad mixes, the darker green the better, they taste better anyway. One of my favorite lunches is a salad (arugula, radicchio blend) with a homemade lemon honey vinaigrette (super simple) some oranges, some parmesan cheese, and some pine nuts. It is honestly good. I am trying to use less granulated sugar and more honey but I'm not certain if that is better it just feels better. When I'm making dinner I try to make a portion for one person and then divide it amongst my fiance and I because I have a tendency to go back for seconds when I make a large meal. Oh, and smoothies. I absolutely adore my ninja blender and strawberry smoothies, they are delicious, use honey instead of sugar to sweeten it. I get really bored with food so I try to mix it up as I see fit but my staples are rice (just don't over do it), parmesan cheese (I LOVE parm), fresh apples or oranges, frozen strawberries, frozen broccoli, frozen asparagus, and chicken breasts. Oh, and more importantly, eat three times a day and eat healthy snacks when you're hungry. I honestly have a hard time with this.

For working out I've been doing YouTube videos (Pop Pilates is one of my favorites), and video game fitness stuff. I use the Wii and do tennis, boxing, and whatever that fitness one is called. The kickboxing/boxing and free run is a lot of fun. That's what I've mainly been doing besides walking either outside/shopping/or treadmill and a lot of them are fun! Oh, and get some free weights from Target/Walmart. I am looking to get some larger weights here soon. Almost everything I'm doing I can do at home which is perfect for me because like I said I am a bit of a loner, I don't like crowds, and I burn really easily but I'm looking to start getting out more often.

Add me on myfitness pal - rachelrrl. Also download the apps "Moves" and "Fitocracy", they are really great.

Well, wish me luck. I have lost 13.6lbs since my crappy Doctor appointment in September and I have a lot more to go.

*I had to correct myself because I had used two separate scales that were inaccurate that lead me to believe that I had lost 37 lbs when in reality I've only lost 13.6 thus far. It was disappointing but what can ya do but keep going. *

This last one was just an excuse for me to wear these adorable sunglasses.

The weather is flipper beautiful today, I want to just roll around in the grass like a fluffy Pomeranian - but then it makes my skin all itchy and the neighbors start drug and/or insanity rumors (although I would not be surprised if the latter has already been surmised). I apologize, yet again, for that incident with the mayonnaise (I'm joking, anyone watch 'Archer'? Damn funny show).

I apologize, for realies, for my delay in posting - I almost typed 'postage' just then, been spending a little bit of time being a Pam Beesly.  I doubt anyone has seriously wondered but I figured I'd send out apologies in case anyone (uh...) missed me so, so much.


So to update about my knee, it is somewhat better, my mobility has certainly improved. The weekend after my last posting was not so awesome in regards to my articulatio genus, I ended up having to skip my wine tasting plans because I could barely move. The next day I woke up feeling a little better but made the mistake of over-straining myself and ended up in tears from the pain. It was nice to see Laurie, Jason, Troy, and Lisa. After the hike (I barely attended) we all watched a really bizarre movie, best summary I can give you is )) <> ((  which will make absolutely no sense if you haven't seen the movie but there is an ass referenced there - twice. My monkey and I stopped by a thai place where I was continuously distracted by BIGFISH (say it as one word dammit!).


Why are you posting pictures of large fish? You ask. Well, because I can. Rawr.

I ordered some really cute shirts. I have yet to wear the vintage 'Little Red Riding Hood' one but I will take pictures when I do. The other shirt I just love, even with full consideration of the dirty looks I received at the nail salon whilst wearing said shirt. I got a manicure and pedicure last weekend for the first time in a looong time and ugh - it was wondrous.






Zombie shirt for the win! I just love it. I would wear it to work if I could get away with it.

I went to the doctor that following Monday, who said I probably have a pinched nerve in my back (I live with constant back pain, I can't even imagine a minute that would go by without back pain, it is the suck) and tendonitis of the knee. She was really nice but I was a bit frustrated not to get any real solutions offered to me or at the very least some strong sedatives! No one will give me a prescription for strong pain killers, WHY? WHY??!

Is that all the new items I've gotten over the last er, three weeks, no. Definitely not.

Manicure with 'Midnight in Moscow' nail polish by OPI. You can't really tell but it is a brownish red color and I love it. I almost (went in, held it in my hand, sprayed my hair with Pink Sugar spritzer but decided $8.50 was a bit much for nail polish) went to Ulta and bought it. In the background is my new purse I found in a clearance bin from Kohls that I've gotten at least 3 compliments on. AND my four new rings, also from Kohls, the one to the far right has a purple stone in and the middle (fuckyou, well not YOU kittens :) finger has a black stone.

I got a blue maxi dress I've worn several times from Target that I didn't take a picture of but you can see the color in the background behind my pasty ass Hulk arm and pretty new bracelet also from Kohls. I tried on this green and navy dress that was quite cute but I put it back - it wasn't cheap enough for me. You can spot my boyfriends arm on my leg by the way - awwies.

My boyfriend and I have been to the movies a few times over the last few weeks, we've seen 'Water for Elephants' which I really enjoyed. The Waltz was amazing, what a fab actor. 'Source Code' which was mediocre. And I think there was a third... maybe I'm wrong. I guess not, my ticket stub collecting does not lie.

Very empty Fairfax Corner

Easter was a half day of work, which was awesome, although I think I just napped.

My birthday was April 29th, I turned 26. Yes, I'm not pleased about getting older, I mean there is no getting around it but I still don't have to be a fan of it. 

I had been talking to my boyfriend for months about what we should do for my birthday and around mid-April he started alluding to the fact that he had made surprise Birthday plans for me. "Don't buy that, maybe you'll get it later" or "Maybe we shouldn't go to this restaurant since we might be going later in the month", or (my personal fave) "You should catch up on your stretches my sex kitten." Okay the last one was not said, well not in those words, hehehehe FILTHY (ode to Darrell).

My birthday was heavenly, a minor set back with my Mom putting on her drama hat and un-mothering me on facebook over some stupid plans I have to pretend to enjoy going to every fucking (fucking, what? It's Say Fuck Thursday) year.

At work they gave me cupcakes, a Happy Birthday memo on my desk, and a nice card signed by the entire office (all 4 of them).

Friday night (29th) went to Maggianos with Darrell, Alexia, Amber, and Amber's boyfriend Carlos. Amber and her boyfriend were running a bit late so D & Z and I got ridiculously hyper and had filthy, FILTHY, conversations. By the time Amber (my boyfriends sister) arrived she leaned over and asked Jason "How much has she had to drink?" and I replied in a fit of laughter (and very flushed in the face) "NONE, hehehehehetee." We were the second to last people to leave. Alexia (Z) and I made aluminum foil tiaras and danced by the bar. For my birthday I got a dragon necklace, 'Nailbomb' cd, 'Shiny Toy Guns' cd, 'The Pianist' on novel (word play), Ten Little Zombies, The Perfect Insult, and Cat are Weird on bookage from D and Z, Beetlejuice action figure, and that talking Ken doll. Yes, I got a friggin talking Ken doll for my *cough* 26th *cough* birthday, yes I've chased my cats with it. It entertains me, he remains naked, thanks for asking.

Oh, oh my boyfriend got me epic cakes from Costco and also, joined Costco! Double win, well triple win since his silly ass bought two cakes. I love him <3 He is the best, honestly, I'm rarely sentimental but he is. I had such a good birthday all things considered. Amber and Carlos were so nice to travel all the way to see little (who you kiddin') birthday girl me, and D and Z were fun as fuck (It is still Say Fuck Thursday) as always.


Saturday was a complete surprise, we stopped by Rows. I wore my ASOS dress (new) that I LOVE and received many compliments over. At around 5:33PM everyone was urging my boyfriend to get a move on and we headed out. We ended up at a cabin in Thurmont (about 10-15 miles outside Frederick) that I LOVED. I was pleasantly surprised! He picked the best cabin too, the furthest off with nice views and a lovely screened in porch. We had sexy times and leftovers from Maggianos, I loved it! I didn't want to leave, I want to go back! Look at all those exclamation points, wow.

Cabin living room area. It had A/C and electric obviously.

View from the screened in porch off the cabin. We sat in the rocking chairs and listened to the rain, it was so relaxing.

 My boyfriend was afraid I would not like it because it was a bit rustic and I'm not much of an outdoorsy gal but I really enjoyed my time there. It felt so relaxing and calm. It was a nice change from my everyday feeling. I generally don't feel very calm (or clam. damn fingers, stop), obviously. Sunday was spent relaxing, doing a little walking, doing a little getting lost, and doing a little crying over not wanting to leave the woods.

Instead of my usual sign off, because I've already said way too much. I leave you with pictures we took of a lake in Cunningham Falls.


Thank the holy hot skillet tomorrow is Friday.
Watch Archer, it is hysterical.
Don Pablo's chicken fajitas are tasty (went there Tuesday).


Last thoughts, signing off.