Current guilty pleasure: Don't judge me, or do, but I've been craving hot dogs non-stop lately :( I don't even like hot dogs that much, I don't understand it. My body has a mind of it's own.

Current nail color: Black and Silver. I seriously need to paint my nails every single friggin time I do these posts. I need to get my shit together.


Current playlist:  Black No 1 - Type O Negative / Bulbform - Trust / Shoom - Trust / Candy Walls - Trust / Heaven - Trust / Sulk - Trust / Lose it - Austra / What Have We Done - Austra / Forgive Me - Austra / Hurt me Now - Austra / Suffocation - Crystal Castles / Under your Spell - Desire

I am completely obsessed with this band, Trust. I've said this on like every social media site I am apart of so I suppose my blog was the next one. 

Current drink: Water with Lemon, Blood Orange, and Mint.


Current food: Dark chocolate morsels.


Current Favorite TV Show: Boardwalk Empire!! Can we talk about how gorgeous the costumes and sets are? I love the everything about this show.


So dreamy.

Current wish list: Old Navy Tiered Eyelet Skirt // Boo Bat Sweater // Simply Be Purple Sequin Lace Dress // Tripp Skull Skinny Jeans // Torrid Lace Shorts // New Look Black Lace Fringe Kimono // Sleeveless Heart Print Top // Sparkly Converse // Animal Jacquard Dress -GIMME- // Old Navy Pajama Pants in Bat Print // New Look Black Faux Fur Collar Waterfall Jacket // Polka Dot Peplum Dress // Robo and Rocker Retro Dress // Eshakti Floral Flounce Heath Dress // Emerald Earrings // Polar Heart Rate Monitor // Eyeball Lights // ASICS Gel 15 // Trust - Trst // Gym Membership // Workout Clothes

Current needs: 9PM to get here already, my fiance and I are going to the gym after he gets off work.


Current triumphs: I've lost 30lbs! Not like this, I have both my arms at this current time, but it did made me giggle thinking of this. Anyway, my jeans that use to fit the tightest are now loose, I am really excited! I even tried on my hidden away pile of clothes that were too small for me and a few of them fit again! Woohoo.

Current bane of my existence: Life ain't bad right now, I do hope my motivation for exercise continues, this week has been amazing in terms of motivation.



Current indulgence: White Chocolate Raspberry Truffle Swirl. I've been pretty good about not over-indulging this week, I have to ask myself at times, "WHO ARE YOU?"... this person surprises me.

Current blessing: Health, happiness, motivation, strength, and weight loss. Of course the normal players as well - Hero, Halo, Monkey.

Current outfit: Black Yoga Pants, Hello Kitty Socks, Pink Converse, Old Navy Tank Top, and Rob Zombie Band T-shirt.

Current excitement: Working out. Seriously, who are you? What did you do with Rachel?!

Current mood: Motivated.

Current link: 7 Ways your Grandmother Dressed Better Than You - (well, duh, I spend A LOT of time in my pajamas)

Hey everyone, as usual I'm about a month in between posts but at least with that I have more news to update you with. In one of my last entries (here) I spoke about how I'm on a weight loss/improved health journey and I have now lost 25lbs! I was pretty excited because it was one of the short term goals I had set in my head and it is so great seeing my hard work pay off. My next short term goal is something between 35-40lbs so wish me luck. It is rough, I have been craving all the wrong things and my energy levels have been in the dumps but I'm slowly rolling through. I think with shows like 'The Biggest Loser' (of which I have never seen but I've heard how they work them out till they puke and demand immediate results) people have started to get some unrealistic views of weight loss in their heads - real weight loss takes time, a lot of permanent changes to your lifestyle, and a fuck ton of patience. I feel like this is taking forever but I know I'm going about it (with exception of a few bad days) the right way for me. One of my changes has been incorporating working out into my life which is not the easiest thing for me because to be honest I don't really care for it most of the time, I generally like walking/hikes but I hate going alone (so boring). I have been hitting up all the local parks for a walk or a hike with my fiance and it has been pretty good, I'm discovering some super picturesque places and seeing growing strength and agility in my body. Not to mention it gets me some new things to shop for - sports bras, yoga pants, running shoes, hiking shoes, cute workout tops, coordinating hats and sunglasses, etc.


A few weekends ago my fiance and I went to Riverbend Park and Great Falls Park. Our day at Riverbend was the best, the weather was amazing and we did a solid walk/hike for about 2 hours. I was exhausted about 3/4ths of the way through but I felt pretty amazing afterwards.


Sadly, our day at Great Falls wasn't quite as majestic since it started to rain and walking in the rain when you wear glasses is so irritating but the views at Great Falls are ridiculous. Great Falls was also jam packed full of humanity but it is kinda understandable considering the view.




Besides all that, my little sisters came to visit two weekends ago and we had a pretty good time, the visit was too brief but my little sister, Megan, had band camp starting on that Monday so we had to cut our visit short. I really enjoyed having them though and I was really bummed when they left. My little sister, Becky, is going into her senior year of high school so I'm trying to squeeze in as much time with her as I can before she goes off to college *sniff* they grow up so fast *sniff*. They really do, I remember the struggle of trying to put toddler shoes on her feet.

The weekend before Becky and Megan visited was my Fiances birthday so I threw a party at our house with friends. We played 'Cards Against Humanity', ate lemon cake and macaroni and cheese, and carried on as we tend to do.

I'm hoping to visit another park Wednesday or Thursday for a hike/walk/exploration that we didn't end up getting to this past weekend because of construction and maybe (fingers crossed) a visit to Ikea for some stuff around the house. On another note, some stores are already putting out their HALLOWEEN stuff out  so Halloween shopping and decorating has begun. I love Halloween, it cannot come sooner in my opinion.

Current guilty pleasure:  I wish I could say I had one but Saturday was my cheat day and I barely got to cheat, it was not the good times I had planned. I really wanted chocolate chip cookies but I never got around to making them. Look at that freakin' cookie, being all delicious and stuff...

Current nail color: Some sort of black with purple glitter, my toes are in serious need for repair (as always). I'm thinking of going with red or pink which is a bit out of the ordinary for me considering I almost always wear black with glitter.






Current playlist:  Age of Consent - New Order / Dreams Never End - New Order / Let's Go (Nothing for me) - New Order / Nights in White Satin - The Moody Blues / Revelation Revolution - Rob Zombie / Theme for the Rat Vendor - Rob Zombie / Ging Gang Gong De Do Gong De Laga Raga - Rob Zombie (I was not typing all of that...) / The Girl who Loved Monsters - Rob Zombie / Smells like Nirvana - Weird Al


Current drink:  Water, water, and more water. I couldn't find any mint at the grocery store, I wanted to make raspberry mint water. That reminds me, I need to get a muddler. I am, however, drinking my water out of a really cute cup.


Current food:  Grapes and 4 Cinnamon Sugar Cookie Chips. So far all of the cookie chip flavors are delicious.


Current Favorite TV Show: Oddities, I have to visit that shop. Mad Men. GoT, of course. Beetlejuice Cartoon Season 1.


 
Current wish list: Wind chime // The Sims 3: Island Paradise (June 25) // Wall Mounted Record Player // Days of Future Passed - The Moody Blues // Boardwalk Empire: Soundtrack Season 1 // Funko Beetlejuice // Kinect and Workout games // Schwinn Cruiser (GIMMEEE) // Frank and Ernest by Alexandra Day - I loved this book when I was a kid and I could never remember what it was called till recently // Panache Sports Bra - The girls need support for light running // Wire Racks - to help organize my pantry // Monster High 13 Wishes Dolls // Monster High Music Festival Dolls // Monster High Headless Headmistress Bloodgood // Free People Tarot Cards // Free People Double Layer Rosary // Free People Zapoteca Pendant // Target Justice League Batman Plates - I've been looking for these everywhere and every single Target is sold out :(



Curren wish list (clothes + bag section):

Eshakti Color Tipped Sheath Dress // Eshakti Chevron Pleat Satin Dress // Eshakti Sash Waist Lace Frock // F21+ Geo Tribal Maxi Dress // Buckle Empire Waist Top in White // Buckle Chiffon Flyaway Cardi // Buckle Polka Dot Top // Buckle Cross Maxi Skirt // Buckle Studded Crossbody Fringe Purse // Free People Keep me Tee in Violet // Torrid Daisy Cami // Evans Lace Cardi // Evans Floral Dress - I've been looking for a floral dress that I like // Evans Heart Cardi //

Current needs: My motivation to return, I had a really shitty night Friday and I was in a state for most of Saturday as well.

Current triumphs: Working out 3 days this week, I plan on working out tomorrow as well to bring it to 4 days. I'm also amazed I'm already able to pull off some Pilates moves with ease, I'm getting stronger!


Current bane of my existence: My new scale. I've weighed myself at 4 separate places and the scale I bought says I weigh more than every single other number I saw. I saw the number and started crying for a long while. *sigh* I'm not going to give up, I know weight is just a number but I've been working my ass off (not literally since there is still so much ass to go around... that sounds wrong). It just made me feel really disheartened, I have a long ass journey ahead of me.


Current celebrity crush: Henry Cavill, always and forever, that man is stunning. I can't imagine walking around being that gorgeous...
 
Current indulgence: Internet browsing, obviously, considering my massive wishlist. The Sims 3, my addiction is only going to get worse when Island Paradise comes out.

Current blessing: Jason! Halo! Hero! A body that is quickly (mostly *grr*) adapting despite the shit I've put it through.

Current outfit:  Grey and black stripped top (Target), black cardigan (who knows at this point), black skirt (Target), engagement ring, favorite earrings (Target), beaded necklace (Forever 21), and studded skull crossbody purse (Burlington Coat Factory).



Current excitement:  Island Paradise. Monster University!

Current mood:  Up in the air, really.

Current link: Boston Children's Hospital finds root cause for diabetes.
This is absolutely incredible, imagine what this could do for so many people!

Since my last entry I have been up to good things, after my birthday I decided to start a new lifestyle change that includes exercise and eating right but I probably need to start from the beginning. In September I went to a Doctor's office I use to go to before I I moved and the Doctor totally ignored the problem I was there for (that had nothing to do with my weight, by the way) and lectured me about my weight gain. I knew I had gained weight but I had no clue it was 75lbs, I never weighed myself. 75lbs in 4 1/2 years. She had a reason to speak up but she was really rude about it, she made me feel like I walked in the office with the plague. I cried when I got home for a long while. I was so unhappy and uncomfortable in my last living situation that I never wanted to use the kitchen so I ate a lot of crap and tried to make myself as invisible as possible by not making very much noise. Even still I had no idea that I gained 75 lbs and I wasn't small to begin with. I was really embarrassed that I had let myself get that out of shape. It didn't help me feel more comfortable after my one roommate that I didn't get along with told me how fat I was after asking for me dating advice. Honestly my reaction was "thanks for the continuous feelings of welcome, fuck face".I knew I had gained weight and was sensitive about it, I was afraid my fiance would leave me because of my size. I was shy about hanging out with friends who I know would notice my weight gain.

Around October I moved and started eating more healthy but not super consistently, using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I was eating.  It didn't feel like it was working so I stopped using it for a few months around February but then around my Birthday I saw pictures of myself at my birthday party and knew I had to get off my ass. The next day I just decided to cut back on soda (my kryptonite), start working out regularly, keep track of what I eat, and allow myself one cheat day. I honestly don't know where the motivation came from or what came over me (I just hope I don't stop), It's partially determination to prove to myself that I can do it. It has only been six weeks since I've officially started this whole journey but 6 weeks is incredible for me.
I am trying to learn to quit letting the things people have said and done to me in the past throw me into a state of depression and bad choices. I am trying to stop giving them any power over how I feel about myself. I've had family members say I was lazy and a quitter. I've had my weight in the past, that wasn't even that substantial, be treated as more serious than a learning disability. I've struggled with wondering why my siblings all get to be naturally thin and I have to account for every morsel that enters my mouth. I've struggled with wondering why I feel like I am punished because I don't like to play sports for fun. How annoying it is to feel like I have to wear leggings and cardigans with everything to cover my body, even when I'm sweating my ass off in 100 degree weather and feeling super miserable. I've had random children tell me I was fat, friends comment on how bad my cellulite was, and when I was dating have guys tell me they'd date me/I'd be perfect if I was thin.

I honestly see myself as having a pretty decent amount of self esteem, I know I am not everyone's cup of tea but I also know I am a damn good cup of tea. Most of the time I think "fuck em' if they don't like who I am, I will find someone who does" but it still stings. I know I'll never be a size 0 and I honestly don't want to be because it would be impossible, I can't change what my natural body type is. I'm not petite, I'm 5'9" and when I was a size 10 my hip bones protruded, even then people told me I was fat. It is still difficult feeling like I am rejected for being overweight or that I'm not good enough because of my weight or that I was allowed to be a punching bag because I was larger. I tend to turn to food for comfort and affection that I didn't get in my life. Luckily, my life is so different now, my fiance and friends are so amazing to me. I know my fiance loves me regardless of my size but it is really hard to cancel out all the negative feedback I've received in my life. I'd love to love my body completely.


I've struggled with my weight in one capacity or other my entire life, I honestly remember being uncomfortable in a Halloween costume when I was a little girl (6 or 7 years old) and I was a pretty thin child. But around the time when I was 10 years old (I think I was about 9 or 10 in this picture of me as a kid) I started gaining weight and growing breasteses and my friends started treating me differently. I don't know if I was acting differently because I was more insecure or if they were shying away from me because I was gaining weight or what. Around the time when I was 12 years old my friends completely shunned me and I had no friends for a good year, it was a lonely year and I turned to food and video games (inactivity) for comfort. I formed some pretty bad habits and I'm just now trying to change them.

On my Birthday when my fiance officially asked me to be his future bride when I was crying I also kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to marry me because I honestly lived so much of my life feeling like I would never be enough, that I'd never be good enough. When I turned to see everyone was staring at me I explained to them that I honestly thought that this day would never come because I thought no one would ever want to marry me with my skin that is scarred from having acne as a teenager, my light eyelashes and eyebrows, my jiggly arms and thighs. In the first picture (top picture), taken about two weeks ago, it is a huge deal that part of my upper arm is showing. I have lived with my fiance for 5 years now and he still has barely seen my arms, that is how insecure I am about them.

What am I doing to get in shape? Using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I eat and how much I exercise. I can't stress how much of a help myfitnesspal has been, I recommend it to anyone, not just those who are looking to lose weight. I used all sorts of "pay" diet plans in the past and they never worked for me and in turn I felt more depressed because I had wasted money and time.

I bought a water bottle and a Brita water pitcher that has been a huge help, I feel like my body is slowly starting to get accustomed to drinking the 6-8 glasses of water. I was having to run to the water closet every 30 minutes but I finally seem to be getting use to it. I've cut back on soda, allowing myself one a day IF I want it but I'm trying to get to the point where I only drink it on special occasions (last week I think I had 3 total).  I buy lots of frozen vegetables and fruit, obviously fresh is better but it is hard to eat it all before it goes bad. Buy the big bags of apples, oranges, lemons (for flavoring water and meals), and whatever else you like. One of my favorite snacks is a cut up apple (I swear it tastes better cut up) with a tablespoon of biscoff spread, it tastes like an apple tart. Buy lots of nuts (hehe, nuts. I will never ever grow up): my favorites are whole and sliced almonds, pine nuts, and walnuts. Buy salad mixes, the darker green the better, they taste better anyway. One of my favorite lunches is a salad (arugula, radicchio blend) with a homemade lemon honey vinaigrette (super simple) some oranges, some parmesan cheese, and some pine nuts. It is honestly good. I am trying to use less granulated sugar and more honey but I'm not certain if that is better it just feels better. When I'm making dinner I try to make a portion for one person and then divide it amongst my fiance and I because I have a tendency to go back for seconds when I make a large meal. Oh, and smoothies. I absolutely adore my ninja blender and strawberry smoothies, they are delicious, use honey instead of sugar to sweeten it. I get really bored with food so I try to mix it up as I see fit but my staples are rice (just don't over do it), parmesan cheese (I LOVE parm), fresh apples or oranges, frozen strawberries, frozen broccoli, frozen asparagus, and chicken breasts. Oh, and more importantly, eat three times a day and eat healthy snacks when you're hungry. I honestly have a hard time with this.

For working out I've been doing YouTube videos (Pop Pilates is one of my favorites), and video game fitness stuff. I use the Wii and do tennis, boxing, and whatever that fitness one is called. The kickboxing/boxing and free run is a lot of fun. That's what I've mainly been doing besides walking either outside/shopping/or treadmill and a lot of them are fun! Oh, and get some free weights from Target/Walmart. I am looking to get some larger weights here soon. Almost everything I'm doing I can do at home which is perfect for me because like I said I am a bit of a loner, I don't like crowds, and I burn really easily but I'm looking to start getting out more often.

Add me on myfitness pal - rachelrrl. Also download the apps "Moves" and "Fitocracy", they are really great.

Well, wish me luck. I have lost 13.6lbs since my crappy Doctor appointment in September and I have a lot more to go.

*I had to correct myself because I had used two separate scales that were inaccurate that lead me to believe that I had lost 37 lbs when in reality I've only lost 13.6 thus far. It was disappointing but what can ya do but keep going. *