Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Since my last entry I have been up to good things, after my birthday I decided to start a new lifestyle change that includes exercise and eating right but I probably need to start from the beginning. In September I went to a Doctor's office I use to go to before I I moved and the Doctor totally ignored the problem I was there for (that had nothing to do with my weight, by the way) and lectured me about my weight gain. I knew I had gained weight but I had no clue it was 75lbs, I never weighed myself. 75lbs in 4 1/2 years. She had a reason to speak up but she was really rude about it, she made me feel like I walked in the office with the plague. I cried when I got home for a long while. I was so unhappy and uncomfortable in my last living situation that I never wanted to use the kitchen so I ate a lot of crap and tried to make myself as invisible as possible by not making very much noise. Even still I had no idea that I gained 75 lbs and I wasn't small to begin with. I was really embarrassed that I had let myself get that out of shape. It didn't help me feel more comfortable after my one roommate that I didn't get along with told me how fat I was after asking for me dating advice. Honestly my reaction was "thanks for the continuous feelings of welcome, fuck face".I knew I had gained weight and was sensitive about it, I was afraid my fiance would leave me because of my size. I was shy about hanging out with friends who I know would notice my weight gain.

Around October I moved and started eating more healthy but not super consistently, using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I was eating.  It didn't feel like it was working so I stopped using it for a few months around February but then around my Birthday I saw pictures of myself at my birthday party and knew I had to get off my ass. The next day I just decided to cut back on soda (my kryptonite), start working out regularly, keep track of what I eat, and allow myself one cheat day. I honestly don't know where the motivation came from or what came over me (I just hope I don't stop), It's partially determination to prove to myself that I can do it. It has only been six weeks since I've officially started this whole journey but 6 weeks is incredible for me.

I am trying to learn to quit letting the things people have said and done to me in the past throw me into a state of depression and bad choices. I am trying to stop giving them any power over how I feel about myself. I've had family members say I was lazy and a quitter. I've had my weight in the past, that wasn't even that substantial, be treated as more serious than a learning disability. I've struggled with wondering why my siblings all get to be naturally thin and I have to account for every morsel that enters my mouth. I've struggled with wondering why I feel like I am punished because I don't like to play sports for fun. How annoying it is to feel like I have to wear leggings and cardigans with everything to cover my body, even when I'm sweating my ass off in 100 degree weather and feeling super miserable. I've had random children tell me I was fat, friends comment on how bad my cellulite was, and when I was dating have guys tell me they'd date me/I'd be perfect if I was thin.

I honestly see myself as having a pretty decent amount of self esteem, I know I am not everyone's cup of tea but I also know I am a damn good cup of tea. Most of the time I think "fuck em' if they don't like who I am, I will find someone who does" but it still stings. I know I'll never be a size 0 and I honestly don't want to be because it would be impossible, I can't change what my natural body type is. I'm not petite, I'm 5'9" and when I was a size 10 my hip bones protruded, even then people told me I was fat. It is still difficult feeling like I am rejected for being overweight or that I'm not good enough because of my weight or that I was allowed to be a punching bag because I was larger. I tend to turn to food for comfort and affection that I didn't get in my life. Luckily, my life is so different now, my fiance and friends are so amazing to me. I know my fiance loves me regardless of my size but it is really hard to cancel out all the negative feedback I've received in my life. I'd love to love my body completely.

I've struggled with my weight in one capacity or other my entire life, I honestly remember being uncomfortable in a Halloween costume when I was a little girl (6 or 7 years old) and I was a pretty thin child. But around the time when I was 10 years old (I think I was about 9 or 10 in this picture of me as a kid) I started gaining weight and growing breasteses and my friends started treating me differently. I don't know if I was acting differently because I was more insecure or if they were shying away from me because I was gaining weight or what. Around the time when I was 12 years old my friends completely shunned me and I had no friends for a good year, it was a lonely year and I turned to food and video games (inactivity) for comfort. I formed some pretty bad habits and I'm just now trying to change them.

On my Birthday when my fiance officially asked me to be his future bride when I was crying I also kept asking him if he was sure he wanted to marry me because I honestly lived so much of my life feeling like I would never be enough, that I'd never be good enough. When I turned to see everyone was staring at me I explained to them that I honestly thought that this day would never come because I thought no one would ever want to marry me with my skin that is scarred from having acne as a teenager, my light eyelashes and eyebrows, my jiggly arms and thighs. In the first picture (top picture), taken about two weeks ago, it is a huge deal that part of my upper arm is showing. I have lived with my fiance for 5 years now and he still has barely seen my arms, that is how insecure I am about them.

What am I doing to get in shape? Using myfitnesspal to keep track of what I eat and how much I exercise. I can't stress how much of a help myfitnesspal has been, I recommend it to anyone, not just those who are looking to lose weight. I used all sorts of "pay" diet plans in the past and they never worked for me and in turn I felt more depressed because I had wasted money and time.

I bought a water bottle and a Brita water pitcher that has been a huge help, I feel like my body is slowly starting to get accustomed to drinking the 6-8 glasses of water. I was having to run to the water closet every 30 minutes but I finally seem to be getting use to it. I've cut back on soda, allowing myself one a day IF I want it but I'm trying to get to the point where I only drink it on special occasions (last week I think I had 3 total).  I buy lots of frozen vegetables and fruit, obviously fresh is better but it is hard to eat it all before it goes bad. Buy the big bags of apples, oranges, lemons (for flavoring water and meals), and whatever else you like. One of my favorite snacks is a cut up apple (I swear it tastes better cut up) with a tablespoon of biscoff spread, it tastes like an apple tart. Buy lots of nuts (hehe, nuts. I will never ever grow up): my favorites are whole and sliced almonds, pine nuts, and walnuts. Buy salad mixes, the darker green the better, they taste better anyway. One of my favorite lunches is a salad (arugula, radicchio blend) with a homemade lemon honey vinaigrette (super simple) some oranges, some parmesan cheese, and some pine nuts. It is honestly good. I am trying to use less granulated sugar and more honey but I'm not certain if that is better it just feels better. When I'm making dinner I try to make a portion for one person and then divide it amongst my fiance and I because I have a tendency to go back for seconds when I make a large meal. Oh, and smoothies. I absolutely adore my ninja blender and strawberry smoothies, they are delicious, use honey instead of sugar to sweeten it. I get really bored with food so I try to mix it up as I see fit but my staples are rice (just don't over do it), parmesan cheese (I LOVE parm), fresh apples or oranges, frozen strawberries, frozen broccoli, frozen asparagus, and chicken breasts. Oh, and more importantly, eat three times a day and eat healthy snacks when you're hungry. I honestly have a hard time with this.

For working out I've been doing YouTube videos (Pop Pilates is one of my favorites), and video game fitness stuff. I use the Wii and do tennis, boxing, and whatever that fitness one is called. The kickboxing/boxing and free run is a lot of fun. That's what I've mainly been doing besides walking either outside/shopping/or treadmill and a lot of them are fun! Oh, and get some free weights from Target/Walmart. I am looking to get some larger weights here soon. Almost everything I'm doing I can do at home which is perfect for me because like I said I am a bit of a loner, I don't like crowds, and I burn really easily but I'm looking to start getting out more often.

Add me on myfitness pal - rachelrrl. Also download the apps "Moves" and "Fitocracy", they are really great.

Well, wish me luck. I have lost 13.6lbs since my crappy Doctor appointment in September and I have a lot more to go.

*I had to correct myself because I had used two separate scales that were inaccurate that lead me to believe that I had lost 37 lbs when in reality I've only lost 13.6 thus far. It was disappointing but what can ya do but keep going. *


Courtney Erin said...

The level of fat-shaming that goes on in our culture is so ridiculous. I am really, truly sorry to hear that you experienced (and are experiencing) all that.

Courtney ~

Honeysuckelle said...

@Courtney Erin

I agree, I really hate when people try to say it "encourages" people to change, generally it seems to sink people into despair - at least that what it did with me. Thank you sweetie, it definitely made me grow a thick skin.


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