Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Oh no, it's that season again. Now, if you're as wishlist crazy as I am than you probably have 144,000 things at any one time that you wouldn't mind having or are absolutely dying to have. It's too bad Victorian homes and vintage cars are too expensive to put on a wishlist, although I kind of have a home wishlist going and if I could ever remember the name of the cars I like (besides vintage hearses!) I'd have a list for that too.

Christmas List 2013

Christmas List 2013 - 2

1.) Green sparkly nail polish. I can't seem to find a shade I like in the stores so this is at the top of my list.

2.) Stack able rings.

3.) Cutlery. I desperately need new cutlery, our cutlery keeps disappearing and these are super cute and go with my aesthetic.

4.) Red bra. Why is it so hard freakin' hard to find a supportive yet cute bra in colors other than nude, white, or black for those of us with bewbies over a DD cup?! Stop it, give us colors!

5.) Xbox One and Dead Rising 3. I'm obsessed with the Dead Rising series, some of you may already know that but I basically spent the year 2010 playing Dead Rising.

6.) Heart rate monitor. Sometimes I dance around my kitchen or do silly dance moves while on my walks and I want to see if they make any difference in my activity (I'm certain they do but I want verification).

7.) Lips skirt. Enough said. Give me!

8.) Cadbury Roses Tin. I haven't had these since I was a little girl and I desperately want to have them again. Please, fill my mouth with cadbury chocolate this year!

9.)  Doc Marten Mary Janes. I've ALWAYS wanted a pair of these. I wear a size 11, make it happen.

10.) Mindless Faith. A band I have newly discovered and am totally obsessed with.

I didn't put numbers on the second list so I'll just visually go down the list.

11.) Green zipper cargo pants. I've been coveting these for about two years, I'll take them in black, green, and red please.

12.) Moon t-shirt. I am obsessed with anything moon, crescent moon, the night sky, or stars.

13.) Lips scarf. Everything I seem to want is either moon oriented or has lips all over it.

14.) Leopard Scarf. I think this color pattern would look lovely paired with my red hair.

15.) Cherry Bomb Cardigan. Cardigans, cherries, and sassiness. How could you beat that?

16.) Lucky Brand Jeans. I got my first pair of Lucky Brand Jeans a bit ago and I'm totally in love, most flattering jeans I've ever worn and super comfy too.

17.) Long pencil skirt. 

18.) Glittery boots. No explanation needed.

19.) T-strap heels. I've been on an endless search for a pair of T-strap heels that look somewhat comfortable for my heel intolerant feet.

20.) Brown boots.

21.) ASICS running shoes. I need some good quality comfortable workout shoes.

I made my lists in polyvore so anything can be found by clicking on the image. I'd like to say this is half of what I want but it's not, for further proof of that, go to my Amazon Wishlist.

Merry Holidays everyone.

Saturday, December 14, 2013
Hello there, so this isn't the normal sort of post I make but I have been thinking of making a post like this for awhile now because this is something I feel really strongly about. I think the real reason I felt compelled to make this post is because I was bullied extensively in middle and high school, more so in high school then in middle school. The bullying got so bad that I started skipping school in grade 10 and ended up dropping out around grade 11. It is not something I am proud of or advocate (skipping school and dropping out) but at the time it was the only coping method I knew to do. Going to teachers and telling my parents never made a difference and so I spiraled into a deep depression and had ridiculous anxiety that continues to this day. I know I'm, sadly, not unique in this experience. I've met so many people who were also bullied at one point or another and have come across many bright people who also ended up dropping out because of bullying.

In my beginning years of school I was quite popular with the other students, I was confident and silly and also a kind person. I'd like to say I was kind all the time but I know it's not true and it's something I really wish I could change. However, I went through puberty early (around 10), which was not the least bit comfortable. In my mind, budding boobs equaled fat and fat equaled ugly and undeserving. A rocky relationship with a step-parent and acne didn't help either. I touched a little on these things in a few previous posts but I wanted to discuss it more at length because I know there are people who have experienced or are experiencing similar things and I want you to know you are not alone and I promise you, good people are out there! My years of bullying are still something that give me nervous pain in my stomach when I think or talk about it so I rarely discuss it with other people and I usually feel almost a sense of shame when I do speak of it... I'm not even sure why, it could be because I wish I had reacted differently or because I'm afraid that someone will read that I was bullied and treat me differently. I also feel somewhat like a failure for dropping out of school like I did, especially because I was always a good student. After seventh grade my math skills dropped dramatically but I maintained an A or a B in every other class. Okay, sometimes I got a C in gym but gym sucked. I did attend community college for almost two years but I never received a degree. Sometimes I wonder what I missed in the history, biology, English, and creative writing classes (those were my favorite classes, can you tell?) that I missed and it fills me with regret because I quite enjoyed those classes. Luckily I have found the time to read about history, attempt to brush up on my vocabulary and syntax, even do some creative writing in my own free time as an adult but I always feel a little behind for missing the time that I missed. I'm even thinking of jumping back on that pogo stick by taking some college classes.

This morning I came across this post on tumblr and then this video on youtube and I highly recommend you watch it.

It is still hard to watch things like this because I remember what it felt like to have an entire class or even "friends" clam up, ignore, or even walk away from me while I was being bullied. I'm not entirely sure what hurts worse, the vitriol of the bullies or the silence or even laughter from the people who were witnessing it going on and didn't do a single thing to stop it. In the beginning of the bullying I mostly ignored it or would even, shamefully, cry. As time when on I fought back by hitting (after a student punched me really hard in the head), threatening, and cursing at the bullies. None of it really worked.

The main message of what I want to say is that if you see something happening that you don't approve of, whether you're in school or at work or at the grocery store buying an almond croissant, please say something. Speak up, it can mean all the difference in the world and even if it doesn't, at least the victim will not feel like their left alone to fight their battles. Bullying leaves eternal scars on your psyche that never truly go away and bullying changes and touches many of our lives. Teach your kids (or future kids) to stand up for someone who is being victimized, teach yourself to stand up for someone who is being victimized, and never be shy to disagree with something you know is wrong. Studies have shown that when a bully is stood up to by another person, they usually cease their activity. I can't personally imagine or understand what it would take to be a bully but the type of behavior they exhibit does not demonstrate contentment, courage, or confidence. 

I'm a realistic person and I know people aren't always going to get along but if only one person decides to speak up one time, it would be worth it. I want to assure those of you who are still suffering that I am suffering too but my life is so much better than I ever imagined it would be. I have a supportive fiancee, fabulous friends, a warm house, and live a pretty happy life now. Only you can control where you decide to take your life, I'm almost 30 years old and I know I'm still affected by my past - I still get nervous in crowds, I still battle depression and anxiety, I still sometimes get a sense of dread walking past a school or a group of giggling kids, and job interviews are very hard. I'm still afraid to meet new people or share my past with them but I promise you it gets easier and easier. Do everything you can to be who you want to be and live a full satisfying life because ultimately your success and happiness is the biggest "fuck you" to the people who treated you wrongly.

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