Monday, June 8, 2015

I'm not sure how to start this post so I guess that means I should just jump right in, cannon ball style! I struggle with anger issues, I've honestly seen myself grow in a positive way in the last few years but I still have a hard time with it. What sparked this post, and I apologize if I'm coming off a bit ranty in my last few posts but these are things I need to get off my chest, was the community Oh No They Didn't and their reaction to an article on Tess Holliday. You can read the article and the comments through a quick google search, I don't want to link it because honestly, both the comments and the article came off as bias and rude. I don't know Tess Holliday personally, I've never met her, I follow her on pretty much every social networking site but I don't know her. She comes off to me as a strong, beautiful, passionate, and determined woman and has since I started following her around 2011/2012. I can relate to her in a lot of ways and have witnessed the vile comments and outrage her presence seems to bring out in people. I have also seen a rush of support and kindness from people in her posts but the vile comments are not a rarity either. As a larger person I have experienced some of those vile comments myself but nothing to the scale or consistency that she has. It is not easy to deal with all that negativity from people. I briefly scanned through the article so the implications of racism I don't recall so I will have to read it further.

I can relate to her story in many ways. I was bullied, as you probably know from reading my blog, really terribly throughout high school and it made me very angry, defensive, sad, and bitter. I also didn't have the most stable relationship with a step-parent who also made me feel very similarly. I was angry at the world, I was angry towards men (the main bullies in my life were male), and I was angry towards the people who witnessed it occurring and did nothing to help. It is not easy being surrounded by people constantly telling you and showing you "I don't like you", especially when you feel so deeply misunderstood by those people. How is someone supposed to approach someone who is being rude or mean to them? How is someone supposed to approach people who turn their back to you while people are trying to torture you? If you have not experienced this I don't know if you'd understand how awful it is. If you have not experienced this you don't know what it does to how you approach people and society. I have anxiety and get extremely nervous meeting almost anyone new. In the back of my mind I think they are going to see me and see a fat girl and automatically dislike me because of that reason alone. Sometimes in defense to this I try really hard to make them like me by cracking lots of jokes, sometimes I choose to just be quiet and withdrawn, and other times I can be sarcastic and standoffish. I admit on more than one occasion I have seen or expected someones reaction to me be negative and I responded with a snarl and a huge defensive wall and overly sarcastic remarks. It is a defensive mechanism and something I have administered sometimes without any regrets and other times have felt very badly about. I'm also a person who deals with chronic pain in my back, anxiety, and depression so my moods can be up and down. This is something I desperately am trying to work on and repair. 
I think about the people who have been around me when I've been stressed out, sad, in a lot of pain, or having not the best of days and worry that they must think I'm someone I'm not. I am not awful. I am not miserable. I try really hard not to take my bad days or feelings out on people. However, I don't regret trying to stand up for myself when it is needed however I do regret being defensive without a real reason. People like to preach things like "you catch more flies with honey" but sometimes it can be really difficult when the moment you approach someone they are giving you the stink eye or radiating a bad vibe or a vibe like "get away from me".

I've grown with love from an amazing man and friends who are never cruel to me. I've grown from being in more supportive and kind environments but I continue to struggle with my past and we all have a past. Empathy is something I desperately try to have in my life at all times but I'm not perfect and I struggle sometimes. We all struggle. I try to live by the philosophy of "be kind, be empathetic, but take no shit and don't be afraid to speak up". I don't know if that is the best philosophy but I'm growing and learning all the time as people do. We have to be the change we want to be in the world. I don't know where I heard that quote but I know I heard it somewhere. My entire point is that things can be taken out of context, give people a chance, we all say and do things that we might not necessarily mean.

...Side note... when I make posts like this I always feel the need to post a rando picture of myself but I don't know why. Is that weird? I just feel like a lot of people skip text posts without at least one picture thrown in the mix? I don't know...


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