Friday, January 23, 2015
When I was younger and first starting to grow into my lady business (boobs, hips, butt, all those sort of thangs) I was really uncomfortable with it. I honestly felt like a freak for having such large boobs and hips, I'm not actually sure what bra size I wore back then because I without a doubt wore the wrong sizes. I forced myself into sizes that were too small because I didn't want to accept how large my boobs were. Not only did I feel like a freak for being "shapely" I felt masculine for being tall and large. I wore all baggy clothing for years, I was so uncomfortable showing off my freakish curves. Most of the popular girls in school or the images of women in the media that were seen as "beautiful" were tiny/small/petite/athletic/tan. I was none of those things. The popular girls were between a size 0-4. I was already a size 10. I hated my body, I hated when people commented on my boobs or my "hourglass shape" because in my mind they were just nicely saying I was fat. I would get remarks from adults like "you should embrace your hourglass shape, men love it and most people would kill for that shape" but it didn't seem that way to me! It didn't seem that way in the real world and I was still really young and not comfortable with the attention my curves would get me. As I got a little older I started to embrace it, I wore tight clothing and got looks and remarks and I dug it. I didn't dig people in school telling me "you think you look good, but you are ugly" or "why are you so big?" or "no one wants to see you wearing that" when I was wearing a mini skirt and tight sweater. I wore a size 10/12/14 through all of high school and was called fat and unattractive more times than I can recall by the school bullies. Any self confidence I had in my shape seemed to piss some people off. On the opposite end of the spectrum I was flirted with often by my guy friends or older men but in general I just seemed to scare boys. I really let it get to me but I kept dressing the way I liked, I became a bit obsessed with dressing nicely to be honest. I would spend so much time and money wanting new outfits and wanting to look lovely every day, even if I was cold or uncomfortable. I rarely if ever wore pants, I don't even think I owned a pair of pants for yearrrss. It was all skirts and dresses. I started slowly opening up to wearing pants, buying pants that fit regardless of what the size on the label read, and be comfortable enough to wear comfortable clothing in public without feeling ashamed or gross or what have you. 

Now I think I've found a good balance. I don't always love my body, we all have our good days and bad days. I dress up when I feel like it and dress more casually when I feel like it. I find comfort important and don't think that being comfortable means having to sacrifice "style". I try not to wear revealing clothing in inappropriate places like work but it is a bit hard to hide my curves and cleavage, they kind of show in everything. I'm even comfortable enough to show up to work and go out in public with *gasp* NO MAKEUP.

I still spend a lot of money on clothes, I still really love shopping, I still struggle with loving my body but I think that is a struggle (that last part anyway) that we all have during our lives. I'm more interested in being kind to myself and others, trying to embrace the body I was born with, and always trying to improve.


Laura Go said...

YAY for body love! you look amazing and I think red and black look so great on you! I am like you in that I try not to show off my curves a lot because I get conscious of people, but it can't be helped. So yeah-- I am trying to accept it!

Honeysuckelle said...

@Laura- It's sad that we live in a society that loves to keep people insecure, ya know. Aww, thank you so much. You know what is funny too is I didn't even realize I was wearing red and black in both outfits till you mentioned it haha, I guess I just wear red and black a lot and don't put two and two together. Show off those curves girlie, you are gorgeous.


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