Wednesday, July 8, 2015

I have been undergoing a lot of changes in the way I approach my body, I have been overweight for most of my life (as I've mentioned) and have struggled with it and of course, I have my bad days like we all do. I was a size 14 at 5'9" until I was about 19/20 (from about 7th grade till then, I matured early), I went through a tough breakup and problems with school and gained a bit of weight but I was still wearing a size 16/18 up until I was about 23. I didn't wear jeans because I (didn't really care for them but I also) didn't want to face that dreaded number that read a size I didn't want to be. I use to cut the tags out of my clothing all the time, I didn't want anyone to know I wore the size that I did or that I was plus size even though it was obvious. I was told I was fat and needed to lose weight more times than I could count and I went on various diets (weight watchers, l.a weight loss, etc). and they never stuck. After seeing a picture of my chubby arms in 2005 I started covering my arms and after some friends made some comments about how gross my cellulite on my legs was I stopped wearing skirts without leggings or hose. People's negative comments never really stopped and they NEVER made me like myself or treat my body better, if anything it always made me turn to sorrow, inactivity, depression, and comfort eating. I absolutely hate people making comments about other peoples bodies, we are all different and it is NOT A BAD THING. As women we are told we should be beautiful, thin, and desired. I was assured I was beautiful and desired but not thin enough for love or true happiness or any of those things. I had no problem meeting men but I did have a problem with them treating me right or wanting to commit to me or bring me around their friends/family because I mean I can you imagine the humiliation of bringing a sweet, fun, bright FAT girl around your loved ones. That is supposed to be sarcastic, I know it can be tough to pick up on sometimes through text.

I started to slowly gain weight with growing and untreated depression, anxiety, and stresses with friends, boys, and life. In 2008 I met my future husband who made me feel beautiful and supported and told me I was "a beautiful voluptuous lady and I love everything about you." However other problems happened in my life and my weight skyrocketed, I went from a size 16 to a size 24. I barely even noticed it, looking back I ate more ice cream than I probably should have and let my depression/anxiety consume my life. I've lost weight since then, I'm now a size 20 and I'm not ashamed of it. I don't cut the tags out of my clothing, I wear shorts sometimes, short sleeve tops, skirts without leggings, and have been opening up to taking pictures of myself in both my outfits and a good ol' selfie every now and then. Some of these things I've only opened up to doing in the past year, let alone past few months! I have a long way to go but I have a very kind, supportive, and helpful doctor who assures me I am perfectly normal and healthy (healthy cholesterol, healthy blood pressure, and all those things). Even if I didn't, would that mean I deserve the ridicule and hatred people give "obese" or "unhealthy" people? Do these people troll hospitals yelling and belittling sick people? 

I lead a healthier life now than I ever have. Either way my health is my business and approaching people with negativity or hatred or cruelty in my experience NEVER made me better. When I lost weight going from a size 24 to a size 20 I did it the strength and kindness from friends, my husband, inner strength, and a growing body positive movement online (whom I am so grateful for). I'd still like to get back into a size 14 but if I don't, it won't be the worst thing in the world and I can assure you it is HARD WORK. Losing weight is a every minute of the day commitment. My physical attractiveness or lack there of is not an obligation to anyone! I'm flattered when people approve of my figure and I am lucky that I am hourglass shaped, my waist is 13 inches smaller than my hips and I have a very large bust. I also have height on my side although I've been bullied about my height ("why are you so huge?" "tall women are manly") too. I know I just made a post like this but then I just had this experience as well.

I posted the picture of myself below and randomly this person (definitely a troll... it's almost always trolls who are too scared to have a real open account) went onto to say the above. 

This is not my first experience dealing with the "obese" police online (this was the most blatant however) or in real life and I dare say it won't be my last. I'm not ashamed at all for my response, I have dealt with enough hateful people in my life to know that I am allowed to defend myself. People like that have made me drop out of school early (due to non-stop bullying), hide my body for years, think I was undeserving of love or acceptance, kept me hidden in the house when I didn't want to be, and I won't stand for it another single fucking day. 

I am fat. I am beautiful. I wear a size 20/22. I'm 30 years old. I wear clothing that is a 3xl. I have acne scars, cellulite, a double chin, stretch marks, large arms, pale skin, and I will wear whatever I want. I will not disappear, I will not change my body to please shitty people. Why would I want to be "accepted" by those sorts of people anyway?

Be kind. If you see yourself thinking negative unwarranted things about yourself or others, stop and think for a second, why am I thinking this? What can I do to change my thinking and my behavior? Put out kind words into the world not negativity. Love your body and all the amazing things it is capable of and does for you every single day! Do not be afraid to be who you are, like the things you like, be comfortable in your own skin, to not think you need to change or change the things you can't accept, know that you deserve love and acceptance no matter what! Good people are out there! Find them, be them. Don't be afraid to defend yourself. You are more than your body, you are more than your face, you are more than how attractive or not the world finds you. 

I wish you kindness and love. I wish you happiness. I wish you the ability to tell people who are being rude to you "bite my ass" with all sincerity because we all deserve to exist in this world the way we are. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here! I've been there and I understand.

I love this article, I had to share it. Body Shaming.

Sorry if I talked a bit in circles or if this is too similar to any other past posts but it continues to be an issue so I will continue to address it.


Chris Naivar said...

Beauty is more in the heart than anything else. And I will have to say that most men prefer women to not be bone thin. I think you look beautiful and you seem to have a beautiful soul from what I have read in your blog. Please keep your head up and know you are an amazing woman.

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